First of all, let us say that there is no way we would have gotten through the time of our husband’s passing without the assistance of others and the overflowing amount of love and help that we received. Many times, we didn’t know what we needed or how to ask. It was at these times that the assistance was most valued and appreciated.
Some examples of assistance that Jeni received but did not know to ask for at the time:
- Someone in my neighborhood who knew my situation made an effort to plow my driveway whenever it snowed. They never told me who was doing it, but whenever there was a snowstorm, my driveway was cleared. It always happened when I was asleep or not home so I never knew who did it but it was a life saver for me many times.
- The first Christmas when I was struggling deeply with my own grief, there was a gentleman who made a point of purchasing a WII game system and assorted games. He left the packages on our front door. He was our own Santa that year.
- During the first several months after Bob’s passing, many came through my door with food and other items to assist us. It was over six months before I actually bought a gallon of milk. It seemed every time we needed a gallon, someone showed up at the door with one or two.
There were also those who struggled with their own grief and what they should say or do. They were well meaning but ill timed in their advice or their attempts at assisting. The biggest example I have of this is those who told me at my husband’s funeral that I was young and that I could marry again. While this was true, the timing was off. et, I understand now that their intentions were good even if I was taken aback at the time.
Teresa’s examples of what she calls angels:
- The group that showed up to weed the landscaping and do yard work right after Kris’s death. I woke up to a herd of people all over doing all those things we never got to. It broke my heart and blessed me.
- The man who power-washed the house because he knew it was on Kris’s to do list and never got completed.
- The amazing supportive team at both church and school who coordinated food deliveries for the first six months. We never had to think about shopping or what to eat, it was just there. Often with lovely notes and goodies for us all.
- The checking in on you phone calls that annoyed me but made me smile. I know they meant well but I just couldn’t talk to anyone at the time.
Like Jeni, I had the well meaning people who just didn’t really know how to help. People who shied away after Kris’s death, they didn’t know what to say. Those that said hurtful things meaning well. Lastly, the gentleman who also at the memorial service reminded me, I was young and quite a looker, I’d find a new man. Gack. The friends who all of a sudden reappeared in my life wishing to take over my life and overwhelming me with their grief.
Our advice to those who would like to help but don’t know how:
- First, ask how you may help and get permission to assist. Don’t assume they want you and your version of assistance.
- Learn about grief and what’s normal – see our Stages/Journey blog posts and resources page.
- If they don’t know how to respond, give them a piece of paper and pen and let them list some ideas. Maybe you will find some ideas there.
- Listen more, talk less with out judgement. It’s not your grief it’s theirs.
- When you do provide assistance, don’t be surprised if they don’t answer or reply. It’s not you, its grief and it’s normal. Keep reaching out. You never know what listening to the voice mails can do to uplift them.
- Don’t wait and just have the intention to help – actually take an action. It’s hard, it’s awkward, if feels bad. Just make an effort.
- Ask if they need assistance with chores/errands.
- Allow them to have emotions all over the place…don’t expect them to respond in a socially correct way (thank you’s and such). Their world has exploded and they may not be able to respond at the time even though they will look back and remember.
- Know that they are in shock.
Here are some concrete ideas:
- Bring a gallon of milk
- Provide a gas or store card
- Send meals in disposable containers
- Phone call
- Hug
- Email them
- Share uplifting meme’s and social media
- Just let them know you care
- Don’t disappear
- Shovel their walk/drive
- Offer to help with cleaning/yard work
- Self care gift cards – massage, pedi/mani, subscription
- Take kids to school, activities
- Offer to run errands
However you help, know that you are taking a positive action and doing what many just intend to do but never get to. If you do this in love and expect nothing in return, you may be surprised at the effect that you have on the person that is suffering in grief. You may not see it at the time, but believe us, it will assist them as they journey into life after the passing of their spouse.
We hope you receive the help you need and people are caring. If not, please do reach out to others and ask. If you are helping another and have a story or ideas to share, we would really appreciate your input and comments. Please share your ideas with us here.
Peace & blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
