I never thought I would get to this stage.
Acceptance.
Such a big word with so much behind it.
Accepting that Bob was gone and never returning. Accept that I was a single mother and would be a single grandmother. These concepts seemed foreign to me and it took me years to get to true acceptance. To be honest, I don’t think I truly got to Acceptance until last year. Like many of the stages, I danced with it, touched it and backed off, saw it, acknowledged it, ignored it and tried to grasp it. There have been many times through this journey that I thought I was there…but I was only pausing at the edge of the acceptance cliff. I wasn’t truly ready.
For me, true acceptance did not only include the fact that he was gone but also acknowledging that I had changed in that event and that I would never be the same. Like many major traumatic events in our lives, that event forever changed who I was and who I am. It made me question who I was without him. I didn’t know her and I didn’t know if I would like her. I had to find out.
Acceptance meant getting rid of Bob’s stuff that I didn’t need. When he first died, getting rid of anything of his was like getting rid of him. Now, I am able to say, “I don’t need this” and get rid of it or give it to one of my children who would like to have it in their lives. I am almost through all of it. And I am okay with it.
Acceptance for me also meant accepting all the parts of our married life …the good and the bad and acknowledging that it is ok to keep the memories but not ok to dwell in the past. I had to move on …to accept life without him and to allow myself the ability to enjoy my life now.
I have had to rebuild my self esteem and my self worth. There were many who were helpful and supportive throughout this journey but there were also those who took advantage of me and, in my weakened emotional state, I allowed it. I have had to come to grips with this and begin to set up stronger boundaries with others.
While my husband’s passing started this journey, there were many, many elements that entered into the journey an interfered with processing the grief. In the two years after his death, I lost 14 others that were central people in my life. When Hurricane Ike hit in 2008, we lost ½ of our home to flooding. Other items as well had to be addressed—it is just how life went. There were times when I just withdrew until part of me could come out again. Until recently, I have not been able to be “just me”–all of me. I have finally accepted that I am different and that the future I had once envisioned will just not be. There is a new future and a new me. I am finally ok with that as well.
Like the caterpillar, I have come out of the cocoon. Do I like this new butterfly?
Time will tell.
Jeni
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Thank you in advance! Jeni & Teresa
