Teresa’s Story
The wedding ring. It can be so complicated. At first I couldn’t imagine ever taking it off. We had been married 20 years and he was still such an integral part of my life. After a while and realizing I was a widow, I wasn’t sure what to do with the ring. So I wore it. I still think to myself, yuck, NO ONE wants to be a widow, ever. Widow conjures up a helpless elderly woman in my mind. That was NOT me for sure. I was 43 years old and a widow? Augh. I learned to accept that was a fact. Along with that fact was I was a single mom of two angry teenaged boys. Was I a widow, single mom, single, or what? I remember thinking, no that cannot be me. It felt so foreign. I tried to hang out and seek comfort with other widows. The only ones I knew were older or those who were angry and bitter and defined their life by being a widow. I felt like I had zero in common with these women. I felt lost and without a tribe.
After a while I realized I wanted to live, have fun, and find joy in life again. I didn’t want to be angry, bitter or sad anymore. I lost my husband but, I wasn’t dead, I had a lot of life to live. I had two kids to get out of high school & a good job. I had completed two Griefshare sessions and my initial counseling. I was ready to accept this new normal and try to figure what this new normal was for me. At first, I mentally called myself single and worked to wrap my head around the fact, wow, I’m single at 43. What do 43 year old single women do? Certainly not what my 20 year old self did that’s for sure. I didn’t think most people I knew were ready for me to be single or define myself as single. Most were still deep in their grief and/or denial. That was hard for me to mentally think of being single while everyone still looked at me as widower and married.
I waited a while to change my Facebook status to single. I decided summer was an OK time to do this. Then the dilemma of my wedding ring. Do I wear it? Do I move it over to another finger? I decided ideally, I’d move it over to another finger. I had gained so much weight, I could hardly get the darn thing off. That set me into a whirlwind of – tears over not being able to get if off my finger, oh maybe I’m not supposed to, augh, I’m so fat now, augh, I hate being a widow, I’m going to get this darn ring off – sobbing event. Eventually with lotion and a lot of tears, I removed my wedding band. It wouldn’t fit on my other hand so I put it away in my jewelry box my husband had given me with his wedding ring band. I told the rings we are now together again tearfully. I had wanted to move it over but there it was, the cold hard ring with his ring. No one said much at first. There were a few couple friends who reacted strongly when they noticed. A few were not so nice about it but, I said, I needed to move forward with my life again and this was how I was going to do it. Some were happy to see me making progress with my grief cheered me on. Most people respected that and many were happy to see me moving forward in life.
I felt single so I started trying to determine who I was and what I wanted for the rest of my life. I began reading lots of self help, starting over, and change books. Then I decided to get healthy and be the best me I could. This mental shift of becoming single and not a helpless widow opened me up to possibilities and ideas of what I could do and accomplish in the remainder of my life. First priority was get the boys out and on their own, sell the ranch and then figure it out from there. Looking towards a future, and a brighter future.
Jeni’s Story
The issue of the ring was a true battle. To me, being called single was an insult. It didn’t give credit to the fact that I had been married. We had been married almost 14 years (13 years, 7 months, 6 days) and I didn’t want anyone taking that away from me. When filling out forms that only had the options of married or single…I would add widow. I even petitioned Facebook to add the widow status to its relationship listing. Even though most times when people think of widows, we think of older individuals, I viewed the widow moniker as a statement of where I had been in life.
At first, I didn’t want to take it off. It was like removing my husband. I didn’t want to wear it as I was no longer married… but I didn’t want to take it off either. I wore it for a few years and then I put it in my jewelry box for about 3 years. Yet, every day I struggled with not wearing it. I wasn’t married and a ring on my left hand meant I was married. I wasn’t single. I HAD been married and a ringless hand meant single. I wanted people to know that I had been married without having to say it. So, the first few years, I just wore the ring. The next 3 years or so , the ring sat in my jewelry box . I missed having it…I missed that piece in my life. I missed the comfort of knowing that I had been loved. I decided to take the ring back out of the box and wear it…but now I wear it on my right hand.
I didn’t and don’t necessarily want my life to be defined as the widow life. I don’t want to be filled with grief and sadness in everything I do. But, I do want to recognize that I HAVE been successfully married. I did the “till death do you part” bit and yeah, it sucks that he is no longer with me. But, to allow the word to call me “single”… to me that is like allowing them to not recognize the life I had with Bob. For me, I am not single, and I am not married. I am a widow who is moving on with her life.
Today, if you see me, you will notice that I still wear my late husband’s (yea, I don’t like that term either) ring on my right hand instead of my left. I am not married, but I wear the ring in remembrance. It comforts me and is one of my ways of honoring the relationship in my life.
Today, if you looked at my Facebook status, it would say that I am in a relationship as that is my present status. However, I will always be Bob’s widow. This does not mean that I cannot love another or have another relationship…it is just something that will always be with me.
So, for me the answer to the ring issue is to wear it on my right ring finger. To me, this recognizes that I have been married but am no longer. It is my way of honoring the time we had together and still allowing room for someone new in my life as I move forward. He can have my left ring finger. Bob will keep the right. And, for me, the right man will understand and I can move on with the knowledge that both can be recognized.
Jeni and I would love for you to share your wedding ring story. We would love to learn from you. SHARE YOUR STORY
