Ten years ago this month we were preparing for our second season of holidays with our newly adopted children. This would be the first Christmas that we were legally a family. The adoption of our 3 children had been finalized February 1st of that year. We had met the kids and they had moved in July of 2006. Little did we know at the beginning of the month that November 28th would take away one of us and forever change our newly formed family.. It was on that day that we lost Bob to an unexpected massive coronary heart attack. November 29th, none of us knew how we were going to go on …it took massive effort just to breathe and get through each and every minute.
Yet, here I am, it is 2017 and I am ten years into my widow journey. The children we adopted as teens are now grown and building their individual lives. Three more children entered my world and call me mom as well. So, while we did not get to adopt 10-12 kids as we had intended, I do have 6 wonderful children. From these children, I have received 11 grandchildren so far. They are beautiful and fill my life with joy and love. Additionally, Bob’s and my journey into adoptive parenthood led both of my brothers to become foster parents and positively affect the lives of several children. The thought to adopt 10-12 has brought change to many lives.
Bob’s death brought both of my brothers back to church. The first time one of them walked into church voluntarily, I looked up for the brimstone and fire. However, it didn’t happen and now both are actively involved in their faith life.
Dating. Ugh. It was such a mix up batch of events. At first, the thought of it made me ill. Then, one night when I was furious at Bob for dying (and had a few too many drinks), I signed up on several dating sites. I had some good experiences and some bad. I had to relearn what I wanted and needed in a relationship. My life had changed and so had my expectations. Finally, I ended up rekindling a relationship from my past and have found new love and happiness in my life.
Finances. Oh, the struggles we have endured here have been many. One thing that I would advise any couple (no matter the age) to make sure that they have enough life insurance on each of them to insure that, if the unthinkable happens, there is enough to pay off any mortgages, car loans and living expenses for at least a year. This will give your partner a little time to weave through the widow fog that wraps around your life.
The ring and other tokens. At first, getting rid of anything of Bob’s was like getting rid of him all over again. I held tightly to everything. As time went by, I have been able to identify what we can get rid of and what is essential to pass down. It took me nine years to remove the ring. Some never do and that is ok. It is an individual choice and an individual journey.
Advice and others in my life. Everyone has an opinion. I have learned that some are valid and some are not. Some are focused on helping you and some are focused on helping themselves from your situation. It takes time to decipher who is who. I have learned to listen and take what is good and ignore the rest. This part gets easier in time. At first, I didn’t trust myself and took in all the words as gospel. Some of that I regret but I did the best I could in the moment.
Oooh…THAT day each year. Not only is November 28th the date of my husband’s passing, but it is also my sister in law’s birthday. My brother and his family actually got the news while celebrating her birthday. We needed to come up with a way to celebrate and remember at the same time. We began having a family dinner at Bass Pro Shop (one of Bob’s favorite stores) to celebrate and remember. As the kids have grown and gone on, this has stopped and now we just talk a bit about dad that day.
Professionally, I walked away from my job. I ran a nonprofit for girls for about 5 years. I built Torn In Half with Teresa and I now work part time with kids. I am still looking for where I want to be but I will get there.
Whatever your path, this is your journey. You may be able to relate to part of my story and I hope it helps. What I have learned is to guide my own journey. Life is too short and till death do us part is not as long as we expect it to be. If you want to do something….do it. If you love someone…tell them. Gather the advice you need and ignore the rest. Feel free to live your life because life does go on. Take one day at a time and, if that is too much, take one minute at a time until you can take it day by day.
And….breathe. God has got this and you. He can handle what you can’t.
We’d love to hear from you. Please comment and share your experiences. If you have resources please share with our community.
Blessings,
Jeni
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