Bargaining begins when the question of grief centers around the what if’s of grief. What if I had done……? What if he had ….? These questions are our attempt to verify, justify, rationalize the major event that has occurred in our lives. In bargaining, we seek a way to reverse and go back to the way things were before it all happened. Unfortunately, these questions don’t change our situation but they assist us in moving toward acceptance of our journey.
Bargaining defined by the Kubler-Ross model: “…involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise. Examples include the terminally ill person who “negotiates with God” to attend a daughter’s wedding or an attempt to bargain for more time to live in exchange for a reformed lifestyle..” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
Bargaining – What’s Normal?
Bargaining is normal and part of our natural yearning for life to be as it was before the death of our loved one. We want them back by our side and be in the time before they died, back to to our old more comfortable life without grief and with our partner.
In this stage we seek to negotiate with the universe to change the outcome and the timing of the death. We want more time, more conversations with our partner, more hugs. This is our way of coping with the pain and gives us space to move toward acceptance.
Guilt can move in and be part of this stage – we may feel guilty of things we had no control over or find fault in us, them, everyone. Guilt and fault about what we/they didn’t do, did do, could have done, that in reality isn’t anyone’s fault. It is just the normal progression of life and we don’t like it. We want to change it and questioning it allows us to process the event–even when the answers don’t come readily.
We may bargain with our pain, attempting to numb out on our favorite comforts. This is a place to watch for addictions to pop up (eating, drinking, shopping, Netflix binging, porn, busyness, drug abuse, you name it) We may find ourselves doing everything and anything to avoid the pain. Again, normal but watch for when this becomes unhealthy or dangerous.
Bargaining may sound and look like: (this list is by no means comprehensive)
- Could of, Should of, Would of (Coulda, shoulda, woulda)
- If only….
- Why did I? Why did they?
- Why didn’t I? Why didn’t they?
- Why?
- Why me?
- If I do this ….then…?
- Pleading with yourself, God/Divine, others, the universe
So many questions are asked in this stage. Some of them can be answered. Unfortunately, some will never have an answer. These questions may cause frustration, anger, sadness, and a variety of other emotions. The important part is to come to an acceptance level that life happens and, in life, tragedy and other events occur as well. These questions, while valid, have their place in your grief journey. Unfortunately, they will not change our circumstances or the event.
You may, and probably will, jump in and out of and swirl around this stage. However, try not to allow yourself to stay here very long as there is a point where we have to accept the things that we cannot change. Allow yourself to ask the question, see if there is an answer or not and then determine what you can effect and what you cannot. Then, know that your new normal will evolve and life will be different but can be good again.
During your journey it can be helpful to get support and help. Read more in our article about When to ask for help. If you have Thoughts of suicide – Get help immediately – call 911 or the US. National suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255
In our upcoming posts, we will talk more about our bargaining journeys with grief.
Looking for more information about grief, stages, support? Check out our Resources page or send us an email. We’d love to hear from your
May you find Peace as you journey through this path.
Teresa & Jeni
