Just recently, our neighbor came by to get help with finding a hall for his family. His wife of 40+ years had just lost her battle with cancer and they were looking for somewhere for the memorial services.
In discussing this with Teresa, she and I found ourselves reflecting on my journey since my husband’s death and the creation of TornInHalf. Here are some of our realizations:
- There never is enough time. Whether married for a week or 60+ years, every widow or widower we have spoken to has talked about how there wasn’t enough time in the marriage. When we say till death do us part…many of us are not thinking of the parting date. Nor are we looking forward to that date. When it arrives, none of us are ready. Life is way too short and, if any of us had any advice for married couples, it would be to enjoy every day of the marriage as you do not know how long your ‘eternal’ vows will actually last.
- The old adage – never go to bed angry (or leave one another angry) – is never truer for of us. You never know when the last time you say I love you will be just that…the last time.
- Though the timeline and the waves may be different…the journeys are similar. When you know death is coming due to illness or other issues, the beginning of the grief journey may actually occur during your spouse’s life. It may not appear as intense a grief to others when they are notified of the passing. When the death is sudden and unexpected, the onset of grief appears more intense and extreme to others. It just has a more public first wave than the ones who had some notification.
- If you are the caregiver and know that death is looming, there’s a term called – anticipatory grief or pre-grieving. The grief process starts early with the terminal diagnosis and day by day you watch your loved one wither away. It can be a very long arduous journey through grief. It does not lessen after the death. It’s just different.
- Whether or not you know it is coming, the notification of death takes your breath away. You are never prepared to hear your loved one has passed. You may be relieved because their suffering is over…but the initial loss is still overwhelming. When unexpected, this notification takes on an additional shock level.
- In the beginning, all you can do is breathe and focus on each minute. Eventually, you can move on to each 15 minutes, each half hour, each hour, each day. You can go on. The first year is filled with anniversaries of each first…the first month, the first Christmas, the first … You can get through it.
- Time DOES NOT heal it. The journey has changed. You are not going to “get over it” in 3 months, a year, 3 years… It’s more of you move through it and to a new place of acceptance. You are going to find a new normal and a new path. Your spouse will always be a part of your life and your past…a part of you.
- Dating/Not Dating/Moving On is a big topic for all of us. Others surrounding us will all have opinions. This has to be something YOU are comfortable with in your life. Your vows stated till death do us part…not until death plus 6 months, 5 years, etc. While the week your spouse passes may not be the time to start dating for you (or it might), moving on and finding new love and companionship is not cheating on your late spouse. It is ok to live life and find love again. It is also ok to decide not to date again. Others may pressure you in both directions (some may even set up “convenient” meetings). Whether or not others are ok with your timeline and your journey is not your issue…let it be their issue and allow yourself find happiness again according to your definition and timeline.
- Others in your life are going to have opinions, advice, help on how you move on, how you live life, how to cope, the length your mourning should be, when you should move on, etc. Some of it will be welcomed, some will be plain stupid, some will be needed and appreciated, some will be unexpected, some will be intrusive, some will hurt and others will heal. You will need to learn how to take what you need from all of it and leave the rest behind.
- Journaling your feelings, writing letters can help you in processing your emotions.
- You are not being weak. You are processing a great loss in your life. There is actually strength in your weakness and your process.
- If you feel you need to talk to someone or get help in your journey, it is ok to reach out. In fact, it is important to reach out. Just know that you can also decide that the person you chose to talk to may or may not be the right one and you can change who you talk to at different stages of your widow journey.
- On our journey, we realized that there were few resources for young widows and thus built TorninHalf. Since then, we have collected a list of the resources we have found useful. Utilize and share these resources.
- This is YOUR journey. You are still the captain of your life. It is your timeline.
Peace, love and blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
We’d love to hear from you. Please comment and share your experiences. If you have resources please share with our community.
