What do you think of when you hear the term widow? For many, this conjures up images of the elderly losing their spouse after a long marriage. The Bible often refers to widows as women to be taken care of by others and as objects of charity. Never in a million years, did I ever think that the term widow would be one that I would be called….at least not until I was ready for the nursing home myself. Yet, here I am….a widow.
Jeni
Even though I never expected to be a widow, I hold fast to this term. It frustrates me when a form only allows me to choose single or married (oh, and those that also have divorced but not widowed….GRRRRR). You see, I am not single…that would mean I was never married and my life with my husband did not count. I am not married….that ended at the “Death do you part” bit. I am a widow. I married a love and lived with him until he passed. For me, the term widow is significant of the time I spent with my late husband.
Am I weak? A case of charity? At one point, yes. There were days when I could barely breath, barely function. As time has gone by, I have gained new perspective, a new normal. Are there days I still need help? Yes….but that is true for anyone. So, widow or not, I am who I am. There are good days and bad days….days flooded with memories and tears…others with memories and laughter. But yes, I am a widow. I am not single, not married and definitely not divorced.
To me, being called single was an insult. It didn’t give credit to the fact that I had been married. We had been married almost 14 years (13 years, 7 months, 6 days) and I didn’t want anyone taking that away from me. When filling out forms that only had the options of married or single…I would add widow. I even petitioned Facebook to add the widow status to its relationship listing. Even though most times when people think of widows, we think of older individuals, I viewed the widow moniker as a statement of where I had been in life.
I didn’t and don’t necessarily want my life to be defined as the widow life. I don’t want to be filled with grief and sadness in everything I do. But, I do want to recognize that I HAVE been successfully married. I did the “till death do you part” bit and yeah, it sucks that he is no longer with me. But, to allow the word to call me “single”… to me that is like allowing them to not recognize the life I had with Bob. For me, I am not single, and I am not married. I am a widow who is moving on with her life.
Today, if you looked at my Facebook status, it would say that I am in a relationship as that is my present status. However, I will always be Bob’s widow. This does not mean that I cannot love another or have another relationship…it is just something that will always be with me.
Teresa
When I first checked that box – the reality hit – it was 10 days after Kris died. I had to complete paperwork to obtain health benefits. I felt like I died again – just checking that box. I stared and just couldn’t believe it. I was 43 way too young to be a widow. I was pissed and empty.
When I called myself a widow – Widow conjured up a helpless elderly woman in my mind. That was NOT me for sure. I learned to accept that was a fact. Along with that fact was I was a single mom of two angry teenage boys. Was I a widow, single mom, single, or what? I remember thinking, no that cannot be me. It felt so foreign. I tried to hang out and seek comfort with other widows. The only ones I knew were older or those who were angry and bitter and defined their life by being a widow. I felt I had zero in common with these women. I felt lost and without a tribe.
After a therapy and Griefshare work, I realized I wanted to live, have fun, and find joy in life again. I didn’t want to be angry, bitter or sad anymore. I lost my husband but, I wasn’t dead, I had a lot of life to live. I was ready to accept this new normal – widowhood and try to figure what this new normal was for me. For me, the term widow had to go. I just couldn’t relate to it and I was terrified I’d become defined by it. So I decided to be single. That felt less like a prison sentence and more hopeful. This mental shift of becoming single and not a helpless widow opened me up to possibilities and ideas of what I could do and accomplish in the remainder of my life.
At first, I mentally called myself single and worked to wrap my head around the fact, wow, I’m single at 43. What do 43 year old single women do? Certainly not what my 20 year old self did that’s for sure. I didn’t think most people I knew were ready for me to be single or define myself as single. Most were still deep in their grief and/or denial. That was hard for me to mentally think of being single while everyone still looked at me as widower and married. I felt single so I started trying to determine who I was and what I wanted for the rest of my life. I began reading lots of self help, starting over, and change books. Then I decided to get healthy and be the best me I could.
I am now married again and Kris’s widow. Talk about awkward at times. I am blessed to be married to an amazing man who totally understands all of the complexity of grief, widow and loves us all even though we’ve been on this journey. Our lives are moving forward.
Widowhood is not an organization that anyone chooses to join or wishes to join. There is absolutely no choice in the matter. Those of us in this particular “club” do not want any more members to join; however, we know that there will be new people on this journey with us. You will need to take your time on this journey to process the information and to adapt to your new life. We will not say to get over it or that everything will return to normal. There will be the life before and the life after. There will be a new “normal” and a new “ok”. It will not be the same. But, you will be ok. You can get through this and you can survive. You do not have a few weeks or a few months to get over everything. You have your entire life ahead of you and whatever your new normal means to you.
What are your thoughts on the title widow? Please share your thoughts with us.
If you or someone you know find this useful or thought provoking, please click like, share, comment – help us get the word out.
Love & Blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
