Teresa’s 1 Year 10/2010
The impending week before I was a wreck, up and down. Emotionally all over the place. I was wishing the entire month of October would just disappear. I am dreading with all my being the entire month of October. It’s hanging there like a giant turd. I was wishing I could be in a coma or something for the month. I am trying to prepare myself, taking care of myself, and scheduling days off.
I’m pretty sure I could use some counseling. I still sleep like crap and erratically. I am getting pretty hysterical and having emotional outbursts at inopportune times. My friends keep suggesting I may be depressed and I should go see a doctor. I hate with all my being the idea of taking medication for depression. I feel like that’s for the weak and I should be able to handle this. I know intellectually that’s dumb and a fallacy, but in my heart I just don’t know. I’m scared I’ll get addicted to the drugs or something. I do have some pretty deep dark thoughts and I am terrified of going over the edge of that abyss. I decide maybe a doctor appointment wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all. Sleep would be a great thing and I might loose my job if I keep freaking out.
On the 1 yr. Anniversary we take off from school and work. It’s a gray, misty rainy day, just like the day he died. How fitting. I make breakfast for my youngest and we sit together on the front porch reminiscing and remembering crying together. My eldest is missing in action and continues to run from his grief. Go figure. His brother and I could have used his support today. (there’s another story for another day) After a while, I am left alone on the front porch with my thoughts, tears and fears. Alone. It’s been the most challenging year of my life but, we made it. We survived. I still relive those horrible moments of that first day and how our lives have been irrevocably changed. I am ready to start moving forward and accept this is my new life. It is time to figure this out and what my future looks like.
After my day off, I decided enough of the boo-hoo and let’s have a party to move forward. A Halloween party to help everyone move forward and lift the doom and gloom. Part of this is due to the fact the darn memorial for Kris was on the 31st and I cannot do another day of sorrowful remembering. Both sons are excited about helping decorate and prepare for the party. Yay, let’s do this! We will throw a huge party complete with a bonfire.
Here’s my social media invite: Come one come all! Halloween Costume Party @ the Klein's(my former name) 7pm tonight. Bring your favorite goblin goodies, witches brew or just yourself. We're throwing gloom & doom into the fire tonight. No drama or dour faces allowed. If you can't be bothered to dress up come on over & join the festivities anyway. Frightful decorating started last night w/da boys & their lovely girls.
The party was just what was needed and a huge blast. It seemed to really be good for so many people. I reflected afterwards that grief sucks still. I am surprised that one year later it is still so hard and sucky. My new mantra, “Screw this grief sadness. I cannot keep doing this gotta move forward. God, what’s next?” I feel there is a next for me. But what? I can’t see past this pain and awful new reality. I feel that there is something for me…what? How? When?
We did find a new normal, my kids and I have matured and grown in ways I never imagined. We are all doing really well over seven years later. I eventually found love and bliss again. The first year was the toughest and part of a long journey through grief.
My peace and blessings to you on this long journey through grief.
Teresa Bitner, PMP, M. Ed., ACC
Jeni and I would love for you to share your wedding ring story. We would love to learn from you. SHARE YOUR STORY!