Dear Readers,
Today, we want to talk to you about something that caught us completely off guard after our husbands died. You might have experienced this as well. We didn’t know what to call it, how to name it, or how to process the additional emotions that it added to our grief journey. Nobody really prepares you for this part, and few will recognize this part of grief.
It’s the other losses that happen when you lose your loved one. These losses sneak in quietly after the big one. Quite often, these losses hit you when you are alone, and they don’t come with phone calls, casseroles, or sympathy cards.
At first, it was just the crushing silence, not having our person there as a partner. Then came the realization that our plans and daily routines had permanently changed. Who was taking which kid, where were weekend plans, travel dreams, retirement, and who took care of the garbage? All of that was completely modified or entirely gone. Slowly, more things started to disappear and cause us to find ways to rearrange our lives to meet the daily needs and create new goals and dreams.
Like certain friendships that faded, because maybe we didn’t fit into “couples” things anymore. Or the friends and family members who pulled away because they didn’t know what to say or how to act around us. Holiday traditions that once brought joy now felt hollow, awkward, even unbearable. The future we had talked about so often? That felt like it dissolved right along with him.
It’s called secondary loss—all the things connected to your identity, your person, your rhythm, that quietly unravel after they’re gone. And we want you to know this: those losses are real. They are very real. They hurt. And you’re not imagining it.
You might be grieving:
- Now that you’re no longer someone’s spouse, a shift in who you are, your identity.
- Friendships that dissolve, become awkward, or just get weird.
- Feeling out of place at social or family gatherings where you once belonged.
- The way your family interacts with you has changed.
- Fear of the future and the what-ifs.
- A lack of stability, both emotional and financial, that feels overwhelming.
These aren’t “just” little things. They’re big. They’re layered. They can become overwhelming. And they often go unseen.
So here’s what we want you to hear from two widows to another:
- You are allowed to feel what you feel and grieve in your own way. You and your relationship were unique, and how you grieve will be unique. All of your feelings are valid.
- You have permission to grieve every loss, big and small. These secondary losses are real. Losing traditions, friendships, or future dreams matters. It’s not “too much” to feel broken over them.
- You don’t have to rush to rebuild. Everyone else might want to see you “moving on,” but you get to sit with your grief as long as you need. Healing isn’t linear, and there’s no deadline.
- You’re not broken—you’re rebuilding. And that takes time, courage, and a lot of grace for yourself.
We see you. We’re with you. And we want you to know—you’re not crazy having these feelings. You’re not being overly sensitive or dramatic. You’re just carrying more than most people will ever understand. And you’re doing it one breath, one tear, one brave step at a time. You are doing the best you can, and that’s all anyone can do.
With love,
Teresa & Jeni
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a follow-up journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope. It is available in paperback on Amazon.
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