One of the challenges that we faced in our journeys was how to tell our grandchildren about our loved one. They would never physically know them; however, we wanted to keep their legacy alive. How can we help our grandchildren know and feel connected to our late spouse and their first grandpa (both of us have new loves who have stepped into the grandpa/papaw role)?
It can be especially hard for those who never met our late spouse to know and feel connected to them. We wanted our grandchildren to understand the love, laughter, and life that shaped our families, but struggled with how to bring them to life through stories alone.
Sharing their legacies can be both hard and bittersweet, yet at other times, it is healing and filled with laughter. It might start with sharing some of their favorite sayings, songs, and hobbies. Sharing their passions and their values is a good way to share who they were and how they lived their lives. Passing along their favorite traditions, involving them in some of their favorite activities, cooking their go-to recipe, or telling their favorite stories can help to keep them close. Physical items such as photos, keepsakes, and handwritten notes can also be handy to explain who they were and why they mattered so deeply.
Sharing stories about your loved one helps to pass on their legacy of love and connect the family generations. It allows our grandchildren to see that our love did not end when our loved one passed and that the love continues through them. Our loved one is part of their story, and it is a story that they need to know and carry with them in their lives. When we speak our late spouse’s name, tell their stories, and live out the lessons they taught us, their presence remains woven into the fabric of our family.
Grief doesn’t have to be silent. It has a voice. By openly remembering and honoring our late spouse, we give our grandchildren a gift: a sense of belonging to a bigger story, one filled with resilience, love, and legacy.
Teresa shares with her grandchildren
When my first grandchild arrived and started asking questions about where Daddy’s dad was, it brought up a set of mixed and bittersweet emotions. I remember vividly being sad, excited, and feeling awkward. Kris wasn’t there to be grandpa and experience this love. I had a grandchild to love on and be a Mimi to. I was remarried, and how do I explain Grandpa Bill and that relationship? All of those thoughts in a moment, swirling while keeping a smile on my face. My first grandchild came into our lives at age four and full of curiosity, I had the opportunity to attempt to explain why you’re married to Grandpa Bill but he’s not Daddy’s dad?, Where is he? And who is Grandpa Kris? Talk about thinking on your feet and trying not to cry and laugh at the same time. I managed to explain that Grandpa Kris had died, and now I was married to Grandpa Bill. That was enough in that moment about all I could manage. Thankfully, it was enough and we colored together.
When the second grandchild was old enough to ask questions and look at Grandpa Bill and ask, “Where did you come from? I know Grandpa Kris, Daddy’s Dad is dead?”, again I had the opportunity to explain about Grandpa Kris, who he was, and how Grandpa Bill was now my partner in life. Thankfully, I felt more prepared, and it wasn’t as hard to share the stories.
When these questions come up and we’re at my house, I grab a photo album and show the kids pictures of Grandpa Kris. We take a trip down memory lane together, sharing the memories with them, bittersweet as it is. The first few times I teared up, and now it’s less emotional for me. They particularly love Daddy’s baby and our wedding photos. I weave stories about Grandpa Kris so they have an essence of who he was.
The kids know that Grandpa Bill loves them and is here on this earth with them. They also know who Grandpa Kris was and that he would have loved to be a part of their lives.
Jeni’s path to telling the grandchildren
At first, I didn’t realize the power of telling Bob’s story to the grands. I also did not realize the added emotions that they would create in my own personal grief process. I love that they now all have information about Bob that they share and weave into their lives. They are now open and ask questions from time to time. These discussions are my opportunities to share memories, photos, stories, and sayings. They create joy, laughter, tears, and a multitude of emotions.
The first time I encountered sharing his story was when I found our family Christmas picture. I had given copies of it to each of our children. One of my granddaughters then FaceTimed me and started to show and explain the picture to me:
“Mamaw, this is mommy, this is TiTi (her word for her aunt), this is Uncle Ty, this is you, and… this is my grandpa who died.
My heart sank.
I realized that he was a part of their story and that I needed to start sharing with all of them. How was I going to do that? How was I going to get through this part of the journey?
I began by telling them my children’s adoption story and explained to them how Grandpa Bob and I had chosen their parents to be our children. I shared with them Bob’s personality and his standing at the bottom of the stairs yelling, “ I NEED A VACATION”. We spoke about how he put the children to bed at night and shared his love by telling them, “For Eternal Life”, which spoke to how he would love them forever.
I also shared the story of how Papaw (my new love) had entered our lives and how he and Bob had known each other in school. That way, I felt that I could show them that, though I still loved their Grandpa Bob, I could move forward and love again.
As I shared the story, I noticed that their playtime changed. They began talking about having adopted kids and “birthed” kids in their playtime. They also spoke of Grandpa Bob and their Papaw, both with love.
Most recently, we were sorting through a craft box and came across some hearts that I had embroidered for our wedding day. My grandchild asked to keep them, and I told her she could have them. As she played with them, I began to get emotional, and she questioned my emotions. I told her it was just my love spilling out. She was ok with that, but put them away for another day.
Sharing the story has brought a new level into our lives, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The legacy continues.
Sharing your story
When the questions come, it can be helpful to be prepared. Consider how you want to introduce them to your grandchildren and what is age-appropriate for them. Once you begin sharing, they will start asking questions to help guide the conversation. Do what makes sense for you and your family. Be sure to take care of yourself while tackling this aspect of the widow journey. It can be complex and bittersweet; however, there is joy in sharing memories and helping the next generation understand who they were and what they meant to us.
We’d love to hear from you
Have you had this opportunity to share with your grandchildren? Leave a comment or share this post. Someone else might need to know they’re not the only one feeling this way.
Peace & Blessings,
Teresa & Jeni
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a follow-up journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope. It is available in paperback on Amazon.
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