Ever wonder why people have a in lieu of flowers please? …. Here is one perspective.
As a little girl at my first funeral, I asked my mom,” Why are there flowers? They won’t make the dead person alive again? And they smell bad.” That “why have flowers a funeral” question lingered and morphed into I personally do not care for flowers for me or my death as I grew older. Donate to a cause or something meaningful, spend your money on something that could help like research for a disease.
When, I met my late husband, Kris, he totally got that perspective. We discussed the big IF something happens what do you want? Cremation, OK, check. Kris was adamant, “No dead dude flowers, please don’t do flowers when I die?” Me, “OK what should I do IF that happens?” Kris, “I won’t care, I’ll be dead. I dunno, have people send money to a cause or to something they want to.” I was thankful we had that conversation early in our marriage and checked in every now and then to see if our desires if we were to die were still on track.
So, when Kris died, I had a strict “No Dead Dude Flowers” policy. I put it writing in the obituary, in my social media posts, emails and in talking to people. I explained that we had discussed this and it was very important to us both to NOT spend money on or send flowers. If flowers were sent, I would not accept them. We had written in all correspondence – In lieu of flowers please donate to a local scout troop, church or other cause. Kris would have appreciated the donations and it was what we had discussed. I didn’t know I should have worded it much stronger. ‘No Dead Dude Flowers Please’ might have gotten folks attention.
What do you think happened? Well meaning people, I’m sure, sent flowers anyway! I was horrified and absolutely annoyed as I walked into his memorial service that people were so disrespectful or ignorant to our wishes. There they were, a whole row of flowers, huge smelly arrangements, darn Dead Dude Flowers. Augh, I was so angry and annoyed, I wanted to scream! I thought, well, maybe these folks didn’t know better.
Afterwards, at the reception, some nice elderly church lady asked which car the flowers were to ride in back to my house. I had to politely explain, there was no way over MY dead body were “DEAD DUDE” flowers entering my home. Absolutely not. I explained, donate them to an elder care home, church, take them yourself, or throw them away. Just please do NOT put them in MY house. Kris was emphatic about no dead dude flowers and had fully embraced that. I did NOT want them, and they sickened me. Come to find out even our own family members and friends has STILL sent flowers even though they knew how we felt. Why? I will never understand.
My message in sharing – please respect the in lieu of at a funeral or memorial service. You have no idea how hurtful, disrespectful, or just inconvenient it can be for the grieving to have to deal with flowers or those potted plants to care for. Trust me, if they asked for something other than flowers, please do NOT send them any way. You may never know what havoc, hurt, or inconvenience, guilt or what you may be causing the bereaved unintentionally. Donate to their cause or ask what they might need. Love them where they are at.
Teresa Bitner, PMP, M. Ed., PCC
Jeni and I would love for you to share your story – be it on flowers, plants or other funeral, memorial or just your special story. We would love to learn from you. SHARE YOUR STORY!
