First, this topic of cleaning out “their” stuff can be huge. Take a deep breath and breathe. Take it one step at a time. Pray about it and make sure you are ready. Before you begin, have an idea of what you want to accomplish out of this. Do you want to have more closet space, donate items, give items to family members, or just get rid of it.
For some detailed steps on how you might accomplish this, here is an article I wrote 7 Tips to Facilitate Cleaning Out a Loved One’s Items
Next step Identify the pieces, items that are important to keep and those that are not. If you are not sure about something set it aside and tackle the items where you have more certainty about their importance. You can come back to the unsure pile after you have dealt with what you know.
Reminder – Please don’t allow anyone to do this for you or throw it all away the first week or month of deep grief. You may regret that later. We suggest not tackling cleaning out their personal items in the first few months. Wait until you’ve had time to breath, can get up in the morning and can focus on something other than the great loss you have already endured. Be sure give yourself some time to grieve and be in a place to make choices. The stuff can wait, it’s okay.
Teresa’s Story of Cleaning Out His Closet:
The piles of Kris’s stuff were everywhere. I had to get a handle on the papers and stuff overflowing all over the house. I couldn’t do anything for the longest time. I was terrified I’d throw something away important. I stuff shopping bags full of papers, mail, stuff. I hid them in every empty space I could find. Then they overflowed to the unused dining room. Then behind chairs in the living room.
Eventually, I had some well meaning friends ask if they could help me sort or move them when they came over to clean. That was a wake-up call. I’m NOT a hoarder or unorganized. Where did the piles come from? What the heck had happened? Oh, I was lost in the fog of grief.
That started the odious task of sorting the bags of papers. I made a plan, take one bag per night and sort, cuss, and cry. There was so much paper everywhere, it felt like too much often. I had let it get way out of hand. I kept at it. I’d go in major “crap” cleaning mode as I called it and sort, cry, cuss, and deal with the mountain of stuff. I had friends come over a couple of times to help sort and deal with the things when I became overwhelmed. We always had a good cry fest. They reminded me to not try to do it all in one day. Step by step.
Then came the hard part of cleaning. What to DO with Kris’s stuff? What would the boys want or need in the future? What did I want to save? How do I do this and not feel like I’m giving or throwing him away? I took a few years thinking and crying about that. Doing nothing really, I sorted his old socks and underwear drawer. Sounds like not much but at the time it was huge. Plus it was a step forward. Remember to acknowledge each step, no matter how small you take.
I then was able to start with the obvious things that were worn or outdated. I had wanted to clean out some of his old stuff before he died. I could talk to him while I did it and feel OK about those parts. It never has felt great to me. Always a little part of me feels guilty giving or throwing him away. The over all cleaning out is a freeing feeling and does feel good. Step by step.
I stopped at the newer and nice clothes. The boys might use or wear them. I asked the boys and we made a date a to clean during the summer when we were off from school. That was a few years after Kris’s death. We accomplished the big task of closet cleaning. The truth is the boys did most of it while I sat and cried while I watched. They took a few items and I watched a lifetime go to donations. Step by step.
Something that a dear friend told be about was making a memory box for each child. As I found little things Kris had saved, photos, t-shirts, I put them in the box for each boy. When the box was full, I wrote each of them a letter about each item and the memory of each for them. I have them under the bed for sometime when they are ready and have their own kids.
I still have some of Kris’s stuff still packed away. Things I’ve saved for the boys when they are ready to tackle or need it. The boys have taken a lot of it as they’ve moved out and started their own lives. I am at peace with where we are with his stuff. Writing about this is a little heart achy but, as Kris would say, “It’s all good.” And it is very good in a lot of ways.
So…our advice is take your time and do this at your pace. If you need to go through things to move to a new stage in life….do so in a way that is healthy for you and remember to take care of yourself along the way. To take time for self care as you sort and clean – go get that coffee or tea, see a good movie, take a bubble bath, go on a walk. The stuff will be there when you are ready to deal with it. Get a friend to help if you need some encouragement and a shoulder. Get rid of what you need to and are willing to get rid of….keep what is essential to you. Only you know what is what and when it’s right. I took it step by step. One day at a time.
This is the last of the spring cleaning themed blogs. We hope you’ve found them helpful or useful. We plan to write about the experiences of selling our homes and sharing it with all of you at a later date.
Here’s to you and your willingness to keep moving forward, day by day, step by step while taking good care of yourself. We send you lots of love, peace and blessings to you as you handle the “stuff” left behind and a reminder to do it at your pace and never be afraid to ask for help or take time to breath.
Do you have a closet or stuff cleaning story? We’d love to have you share that. Please share your thoughts with us.
If you or someone you know find this useful or thought provoking, please click like, share, comment – help us get the word out. We thank you in advance.
Peace, Love & Blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
