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Last week we introduced this series, Let’s Talk About The Grief Journey and Stages. Our image of a spiral staircase is critical. This isn’t a linear or step by step process. It’s a swirl and there is no right or wrong way to do grief. It happens. You may feel all or none of the stages in 5 minutes or 5 months. If you missed it or would like a review of the stages take a look at part 1 – Let’s Talk About The Grief Journey and Stages.

This week we dive into the topic of Denial. We will define denial, look at what’s normal, define traumatic death and tell our stories. Denial is often thought of as the initial part of the journey and it often is. It can be paired with shock as well.

Denial defined by the Kubler-Ross model: “The first reaction is denial. In this stage, individuals believe the diagnosis/[death] is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

Denial – What’s Normal?

The is often the first of the stages and comes when we have to face the fact that our loved one is gone or dying. We don’t like it and our first reaction is to shy away from it and deny that it has happened and the effects that it will have on the rest of our lives.

Denial is a way of God protecting us in a cocoon of numbness and life just doesn’t seem real. It is a protection mechanism and a means of coping. Denial is a 100% normal reaction and how we cope with the overwhelm.

Denial may sound and look like:

• Refusing to accept facts
• Feeling numb, in a fog, lost
• “No, this can’t be … right/happening/isn’t real…”
• Feeling shock
• Feeling completely overwhelmed
• Fear

Denial for a period of time is normal. It becomes a problem if we get avoid the reality and continue to avoid grief. We can get stuck here and work very hard to deny our lives have changed. Chronic illness & denial

Traumatic/Sudden death/loss can lead to what professionals call “complicated grief”. This type of grief tends to be more intense and often last longer.

What is Traumatic Grief? “A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved one’s body; if it was caused by a perpetrator with the intent to harm; if the survivor regards the death as preventable; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust.” Wortman & Latack (2015)

Jeni’s Denial & Grief

For me, denial hit instantly. In my head and logically, I knew my husband was dead.  There was no heartbeat and no breath. In shock, I dialed 911. I hit the ground so hard beside him that 3 days later I would find rocks embedded in my hands and knees. I started CPR and began telling him he couldn’t die. He couldn’t leave me. We had just adopted 3 kids. I yelled at him to breathe.

I watched as medical personnel arrived. I saw them working on my husband. I watched them load him into the ambulance. I showed a picture of my kids to them and screamed that I needed them with me. Someone assured me they would be found and led me to a vehicle. I was transported to the hospital and ushered into a conference room. In any other state, I would have recognized that this was not a good sign. He couldn’t be dead. I had to have missed something. He was going to be fine. I sat and waited….and waited…and waited. The kids arrived. Family arrived. Friends arrived. My Pastor arrived. Still, I waited for word about my husband. Pastor finally asked if I wanted him to check on the status. I simply nodded. A few minutes later, Pastor came back with the news. Bob was gone.

The next few days, I walked around in a haze. How could this be? He couldn’t be gone. This could NOT have happened. We had just adopted 3 children. How could God take him NOW? REALLY!!!???!!! He couldn’t be dead. He just simply couldn’t be.

I signed the appropriate papers. I visited the Funeral home and made the arrangements. I heard people talking around me. Where was Bob? Why wasn’t he here? I needed him. I can’t do this alone. Where the hell is he? Oh, yeah….he is dead. I heard the words. I attended the wake. I planned and went to the funeral. I watched them bury his body. In my mind, I knew. But my heart….my heart could not accept that he was gone.

The first time I went to his gravesite…I laid over it. I wanted to be with him. I couldn’t believe he was gone. I just could not accept the “new reality” of my life. Even our dog Shadow spent his days waiting at the top of the stairs for Bob to come home.

I couldn’t throw anything away. Doing so made me feel like I was losing more of him. This just couldn’t be happening.

I truly cannot tell you how long my daze lasted. Somehow, I got through it. Somehow, I got past the feeling that he can’t be dead. This isn’t real. Eventually, the fog of this isn’t real lifted and I moved into the next part of my journey.

Teresa’s Denial & Grief

Coming from a family where denial was a well honed skill, I often find myself stuck here for anything unpleasant and especially when a loss, death or illness occurs. When Kris died, I wandered around for days thinking, there was a mistake, he was coming home, this can’t be, I can’t do this… Since I hadn’t seen his body, this denial turned into months of secretly hoping he was really alive. There’s still a little part of me that wonders.

My next bout of major denial for death was when Hans passed. He was my sweet dog that I got to help me through Kris’s death. I denied his liver failure, spent $1000 on vet bills to revive, feed and save him. My denial was so intense my family had to beg me to take him to the vet. He’d lost 35 lbs, stopped eating and drinking. He smelled like death and was so sick. I couldn’t let go of him. Letting go of him was like letting go of Kris all over again. I wanted him to stay, I wasn’t ready to deal with a death. Finally, after much prayer and searching, I realized and was shocked by how far I was in denial.

I had learned denial from the queen of denial. Her death was my next trip down the denial trail. During her illness, we both denied the inevitable up until the day she died. For me, I worked hard to accept that congestive heart failure meant death. It was a challenge to be the one who needed to move out of denial and accept this fact. The doctors and nurses kept letting us know she’s going  to die, you have to make a plan for that – they forced me to accept what I could have denied until the end as well.

Lastly, the most recent death of our dog Duke really highlights how well I can attempt deny reality and death. Intellectually, I knew he had cancer and it was going to come back and take him. I knew he wasn’t breathing well, I knew. However, I got him groomed – that will help his breathing since it’s so hot in Texas (right?). While I was away on a trip he declined fast, I denied this progression, I didn’t want to go home to deal with it. Again, I wanted to avoid this event. I didn’t want to think about death again. I’m so tired of dealing with it. If I just stayed away or pretended if I was gone it wouldn’t happen. Again, I took my own advice, now that I’m this expert, leaned into my grief, allowed the feelings to come wash over me. Prayed with Duke and knew he wanted to go Home too. I did what I tell myself to do. Took some time off, leaned into the grief, cried, grumped around, went through the stages and swirled around for a while and have come to acceptance. It’s a process. There’s no denying death or the reality of grief.

What can we do when in denial?

Give yourself some time. You need to be able to process the information that has been thrown at you. You need to be able to move through the stages. You may find yourself on a linear path but, more likely, you will find yourself moving in and out of the stages. While this is more likely with the other stages, we have sometimes found ourselves with portions of denial in our lives and our journey. At any stage, take time to take care of yourself.

Look for our next article in the journey and stages. We will be discussing Anger as we move through the stages/journey. We will be writing about these throughout the rest of 2018. DABDA – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

If you want to learn more in the meantime about the other stages of grief – check out our updated Resources Page .

We would love to hear from you and know if this is a topic you are interested in and what your thoughts are about the stages and if you have any stories you would like to share. Please comment, share and let’s connect.  Please share your thoughts with us.

Love & Blessings,

Jeni & Teresa

Disclaimer: We are not mental health, legal, or financial professionals. We cannot personally endorse any of these websites, books, or organizations. Please use these sources for information only and consult professionals as necessary.