The next installment of our Let’s Talk About Grief – Bargaining.
If you missed the introduction or would like a review of the stages, take a look at part 1 – Let’s Talk About The Grief Journey and Stages. The grief journey isn’t a linear or step by step process. It’s a swirl and there is no right or wrong way to do grief. You may feel all or none of the stages in 5 minutes or 5 months. It may actually feel like a roller coaster ride.
We posted about bargaining and what this can look like and sound like. I spent a lot of time negotiate with the universe and God to bring back my husband and stop the pain. I find that I tended to wallow and return to this stage often. I can sometimes still go there and wish for a different reality.
My first bargaining was to bring Kris back – I couldn’t cope with life or living much less taking care of a 12.5 acre ranch and large home. Thankfully, friends were helpful at first with the yard work and cleaning. However, life moved on and I was forced to as well.
What did my bargaining look like:
I remember a cold rainy fall day when I was late for work and the stupid electric automatic fence gate wouldn’t open. It wouldn’t budge. It was a thing that happened from time to time and Kris always took care of it. I can still remember pushing the remote button swearing up a storm. I was late and I didn’t want to get out and fix the blankety blank gate. I had to, I couldn’t leave otherwise. Throwing the car into reverse, I peeled backwards back to the house. Stormed the garage – changed into my ranch boots and grabbed some of his blankety blank tools. I knew it usually was a 1 man fixit with a screwdriver and wrench. I proceeded to wail at God and Kris about how could you leave me, why did you ride the bike, why do I have to do this, why isn’t there anyone who can fix this for me, why do we have a ranch full of things breaking all the time? That could have, would have, why oh why wail of bargaining.
When I composed myself and gathered the necessary tools, I was able to disconnect the arm, move the heavy steel fence and get to work – late. I felt proud. I overcame the obstacle but, really didn’t want to live in the reality – that there was no one but me to take care of everything at our dream home in the country. That’s not what we planned!! I then moved into the anger stage for a bit.
I found myself later bargaining with my pain, attempting to numb out and escape with my favorite comforts. Chips, cheese, chocolate and alcohol. I gained weight, lots of it. I wasn’t aware of the addictions starting to creep back in. Both to food and alcohol. I just wanted to feel better and not feel pain. Food and alcohol seemed OK and not too out of hand. I still had my job and was functioning. I also started a shopping addiction that quickly was eating our savings.
Turning point to regaining healthy living:
After paying the credit card bills and realizing how much money I was spending on junk that didn’t actually make me feel better, I realized I had a problem. I stopped that addiction in fear of becoming homeless and a house full of crap I didn’t really want. I will say some of the decor I still have however.
The food and alcohol addictions were more of a challenge. The alcohol was pointed out to me by the boys. That was painful so I cut back. Food, I was topping out the scale at a weight I had never seen and nothing fit. I had already promised no more shopping so I went to a diet center and signed up to get help. A first step to dealing with my issues with food and alcohol. Getting help. It saved my life, I stopped drinking and lost weight and felt better.
How do I know if my bargaining is out of control?
Do you feel out of control? Are you able to deal with the reality and accept this new life? How about addictions and avoiding the entire topic of death and your loved ones’ death? Feeling scared about the future is normal, bargaining is normal. Just don’t let too much busyness, food, social media binging get in the way of working through your grief.
Bargaining is 100% normal and it is part of the journey. Depending upon your own grief you may or may not experience all or parts of it. If you do, lean into it and learn from it. If not, that’s perfectly OK. Just don’t try to stuff it. If you think you are out of control or scared by your addictions – get some support or help. Read more in our article about When to Ask For Help If you have Thoughts of suicide – Get help immediately – call 911 or the US. National suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255
Jeni’s bargaining story is our next planned article. She will share her dealings with bargaining on her journey. For now, I hope my story and our articles open up a conversation about grief and the winding journey it is.
Want more information about grief, stages, support? Check out our Resources page or send us an email.
May you lean into your bargaining and be aware of it as you journey through your own grief,
Teresa & Jeni
Disclaimer: We are not mental health, legal, or financial professionals. We cannot personally endorse any of these websites, books, or organizations. Please use these sources for information only and consult professionals as necessary.
