THE ring …
What to do with THE ring? Do I wear it? Do I take it off? How long do I wear it? What does it mean if I wear it? What does it mean if I take it off? Is it too soon? Is it too long? Do I continue to wear it on my left hand or do I move it?
These are some of the questions a widow/er often asks themselves about THE ring?
Of all the reminders that are in our lives, this little item may be the one that causes the most turmoil.
Teresa’s Story:
The wedding ring. This wasn’t a topic on my widow radar for a long while. Then it popped into my head. I am wearing this ring, but I’m not married or am i? Just thinking about it made me ill. It was so complicated.
At first I couldn’t imagine ever taking it off. We had been married 20 years and he was still such an integral part of my life. I was too numb to even think about anything much less THE ring. I didn’t want to remove it and I just wanted him back.
After a while, realizing I was a widow, I wasn’t sure what to do with the ring. So I wore it. I still think to myself, yuck, NO ONE wants to be a widow, ever. Widow conjures up a helpless elderly woman in my mind. That was NOT me for sure. I was 43 years old and a widow? Augh. It was too much and NOT supposed to be like this.
I learned over time to accept that was a fact. Along with that fact was I was a single mom of two teenage boys. Was I a widow, single mom, single, or what? I remember thinking, no that cannot be me. It felt so foreign. I tried to hang out and seek comfort with other widows. The only ones I knew were older or those who were angry and bitter and defined their life by being a widow. I felt like I had zero in common with any of these women. I felt lost and without a tribe.
After a while I realized I wanted to live, have fun, and find joy in life again. I was ready to accept this new normal and try to figure what this new normal was for me. At first, I mentally called myself single and worked to wrap my head around the fact, wow, I’m single at 43. What do 43 year old single women do? Certainly not what my 20 year old self did that’s for sure. I didn’t think most people I knew were ready for me to be single or define myself as single. Most were still deep in their grief and/or denial. That was hard for me to mentally think of being single while everyone still looked at me as widower and married.
I waited a while to announce to the world I’m single. I chose to change Facebook status to single. Boom, I did it. Then the dilemma of my wedding ring popped up. Do I wear it? Do I move it over to another finger? I decided ideally, I’d move it over to another finger. I had gained so much weight, I could hardly get the darn thing off.
That set me into a whirlwind of – tears over gaining so much weight, not being able to get if off my finger, oh maybe I’m not supposed to, augh, I hate being a widow, I’m going to get this darn ring off – sobbing event. Eventually with lotion and a lot of tears, I removed my wedding band. It wouldn’t fit on my other hand so I put it away in my jewelry box my husband had given me with his wedding ring band. I told the rings we are now together again tearfully. I had wanted to move it over but there it was, the cold hard ring with his ring. No one said much at first. There were a few couple friends who reacted strongly when they noticed. A few were not so nice about it but, I said, I needed to move forward with my life again and this was how I was going to do it. Some were happy to see me making progress with my grief cheered me on. Most people respected that and many were happy to see me moving forward in life.
I felt single so I started trying to determine who I was and what I wanted for the rest of my life. I began reading lots of self help, starting over, and change books. Then I decided to get healthy and be the best me I could. This mental shift of becoming single and not a helpless widow opened me up to possibilities and ideas of what I could do and accomplish in the remainder of my life. First priority was to get the boys out and on their own, sell the ranch and then figure it out from there. Looking towards a future, and a brighter future.
Jeni’s Story:
The issue of the ring was a true battle. To me, being called single was an insult. It didn’t give credit to the fact that I had been married. We had been married almost 14 years (13 years, 7 months, 6 days) and I didn’t want anyone taking that away from me. When filling out forms that only had the options of married or single…I would add widow. I even petitioned Facebook to add the widow status to its relationship listing. Even though most times when people think of widows, we think of older individuals, I viewed the widow moniker as a statement of where I had been in life and I didn’t want anyone taking that away from me. It seemed to add to the loss.
At first, taking off the ring was simply not an option for me. I didn’t want to nor could I take off my ring. It was like removing my husband entirely from my life. Even so, part of me didn’t want to wear it because I was no longer married. I wore it for a few years and then I put it in my jewelry box for about 3 years. Yet, every day I struggled with not wearing it. I wasn’t married and a ring on my left hand meant I was married. I wasn’t single. I HAD been married and a ringless hand meant single. I wanted people to know that I had been married without having to say it. So, the first few years, I just wore the ring. The next 3 years or so , the ring sat in my jewelry box . I missed having it…I missed that piece in my life. I missed the comfort of knowing that I had been loved. I decided to take the ring back out of the box and wear it…but then I wore it on my right hand.
I didn’t and don’t necessarily want my life to be defined as the widow life. I don’t want to be filled with grief and sadness in everything I do. But, I do want to recognize that I HAVE been successfully married. I did the “till death do you part” bit and yeah, it sucks that he is no longer with me. But, to allow the word to call me “single”… to me that is like allowing them to not recognize the life I had with Bob. For me, I am not single, and I am not married. I am a widow who is moving on with her life. For a very long time, I wore my wedding ring on my right hand to indicate that I had been married. During that time, it provided me with comfort and a way to honor the marriage that we had.
I have now been a widow for almost 12 years. In the last 3 years, I have had someone come into my life who has provided me with true love again. I have made the decision to remove the ring and place it into a location to save for one of my granddaughters so that they can share in the love that I have had in my life. I will always be Bob’s widow but I have found another who can love me and who I can love and be happy with in my life’s journey.
So, for me, the answer has been as convoluted and twisted as my widow journey has been. Wear the ring, don’t wear the ring, change the hand, and then remove the ring. I have tried in every decision to honor the time that we had together … and now, I have a wonderful man in my life who understands the importance of what I had and is allowing me to move on with my life.
THE Ring, it often starts as a young girl dreaming of her man and dream, the engagement, then the wedding. It defines us as married – to the man of our dreams or something like that. Then all of a sudden it’s a ring and you’re a widow. Why is something so simple as a ring so complicated – because it defines you as married with all those hopes and dreams that have been crushed.
What to do with your ring? Whatever you darn well please, it is your life and your journey.
Jeni and I have shared our stories and would love to know how this lands with you?
What about you and YOUR ring?
Please, let us know your thoughts, comment, and share.
Jeni and I would love for you to share your wedding ring story. We would love to learn from you. SHARE YOUR STORY
