Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. Candy, Hearts, Stuffed animals, Flowers, Mushy cards are everywhere. Happy relationships are being celebrated everywhere you look.
Wait—I’m a widow. He is no longer here. There is a hole in my heart that can’t be filled by chocolate and roses. There isn’t a happy relationship to celebrate. Stop the hustle and bustle. Can’t they see that the world has changed? Can’t we just skip all this crap and move on?
Teresa–Augh. I remember that oh too well that feeling of Augh, can I just skip this “holiday”. The sick to my stomach feeling when shopping and seeing all of the candy hearts. I didn’t know if I wanted to throw up on them or eat them all. I did a combination of buying way too much chocolate and binging. I also adopted the crass and snarky “Happy VD Ya’ll” while silently wishing to just have this stupid holiday over with. I was teaching middle school so had to “show the kids love with stickers” when all I could think of who’s gonna show me some love? I have since learned to love others and myself on this day and all days.
Jeni–On that first Valentine’s day after his passing, I just wanted to hide. Curl up in a ball and pretend the day did not exist at all. What good was this “Hallmark” holiday without him? Who was I going to have dinner with? My kids were excited about Valentine’s at school and wanted to celebrate. How was I going to keep their spirits up while mine were in ashes? They wanted to have their dad’s favorite meal for that holiday. So, I made the chicken parmigiana for dinner. The kids got me peach roses and a blue carnation in honor of their dad. I wanted to cry and fall in a heap. Somehow, I managed to put on a good face for the kids and tried to celebrate. I went to bed early with about a pound and a half of chocolate. It took a few years for me to not feel so very alone on that day and I had to learn to practice self-care on that day. Spa visits, bubble baths, curling up with a good book all seemed to ease the pain of this holiday.
This is much like any holiday – What is important and what is not? We talked about some tips and hints in our preparing for the holidays (https://torninhalf.com/holiday-stress-widowhood/ ). How to survive a holiday event.
So what’s a person to do during this season of love, hearts and candy? Cupid is piercing your soul and it doesn’t seem like there is any relief to be found.
Some actions you can take in handling the day:
- Acknowledge the feelings – they may be intense. Let them flow. Take time for the grief
- How do you want to spend the day? Alone, working, surrounded by friends or family?
- Do you want to do something in honor or because of your lost loved one?
- Write them a letter or poem, save it, read it to them, burn it?
- Visit their grave site or talk to their urn? Leave a flower or note?
- Light a candle in honor. Sit with the loss.
- Journal your thoughts, feelings and desires.
- Fix your favorite dinner or go to dinner at your old favorite place?
- Visit your favorite place that the two of you used to go.
- Get yourself the flowers that he used to get.
- Share your favorite memories with your family, friends or children.
- How you first met, most romantic date, previous Valentines.
- Take time for some self care: a long walk, a bubble bath, a massage, dinner with a friend, dinner alone, watch your favorite movie, read a book, wrap up in a snuggly blanket. Whatever makes you feel comfortable and relaxed.
- Do you know other widows? Maybe write or send them a valentine to let them know they are still thought about on this day.
- While chocolate and binging might be good the first year …after that you may want to consider healthier alternatives or at least…portion control.
- Call a friend and make plans with them for the day.
- Thank others and tell them you love them.
- Volunteer – show someone or animals some love. Animal rescue/shelters are a great way to get free love from animals.
If you are feeling really low or overwhelmed – please get support from a professional – be that your spiritual leader, therapist, coach. Know that you don’t need to do this alone and asking for help and support is the first step to moving forward.
May Peace and Blessings surround you and may you find comfort and joy in this season of love Take care of you, breathe and move at your pace. Know you are loved & not alone.
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Peace, Blessings & Love,
Teresa & Jeni
