Today, we’re returning to the discussion of community in your widow journey and the importance of accepting help from community. Our last post about community was when it’s uncomfortable and setting boundaries. The topic of accepting help that is kind, helpful and nurturing can be difficult when you’re so bereaved you can’t even figure out what to wear much less where you may need help. The question below is one that comes up in widow circles often.
I have trouble accepting help from others, is that normal?
Yes, it is normal. Especially for those of us who are in charge and are the type that always uses the term “I’ve got this”. Accepting help is hard. You are weak but you don’t want to be weak. You just want everything to be the way it “should”. And, it isn’t…it won’t be. Your world has been turned upside down, inside out, twisted around. Because of this, you may not be able to do what is needed and in this time, it is important to allow others to step in and help. Allow them to bless you with help which in turns allows them to feel like they are doing something to help and blesses them.
Jeni often struggled with accepting help. During the early days, her Pastor advised her to find strength in her weakness. Another friend gently admonished her and told her that she needed to allow the friend to find blessings in assisting her. These statements helped her to accept the help she so desperately needed at the time.
Allowing others to help
There is much that you may feel incapable of doing or wanting to do. If you have someone offering to help you in these areas, please allow them to do so. Their help blesses you and allows them to help and process their own grief.
Teresa has a vivid memory of seeing outside the kitchen window two girlfriends on their hands and knees weeding by hand the river rock landscaping for hours. Another memory is waking up to a man angel – what she came to call them – power washing the side of the house because it needed it and he knew it was something on her spouses to do list that never got done.
Jeni received help from many but one that stands out is a gentleman who plowed the driveway every time it snowed for a few years and never identified himself. He was a needed angel as there was no way she could have taken care of that particular chore.
There are several who helped both of us and we are grateful for them all.
Make a list of things that need done but you can’t or don’t want to. Things like chores inside and outside the home, errands to run, groceries, child care/pickup/transport. Allowing others to assist in this way is a method of self care and self preservation during this time in your life. Let it happen. Take care of you by allowing others to help you in ways that you need help.
Pushing others away
Also in our grief, it is natural to want to escape into our own world and close out the world around us. Having some alone time is important for our processing of grief. It’s natural to want to push people away, ignore the phone, emails and texts. It’s important to evaluate what you need and if these people are overstepping boundaries – see our Uncomfortable Grief blog.
It’s important to balance alone time with time with other people and in social situations. Take the time you need for yourself but be sure that you allow others in where needed. If you feel that you are spending too much time alone and don’t know where to turn, you may want to consider reaching out to a professional, therapist, coach, spiritual leader or counselor for support.
Community Carried us
In the beginning of both of our grief journeys, there was a wave of people that were willing to help get through the first part of the process. The meals that came, the words of comfort and the support was essential in getting through the first days.
We understand that isn’t the case for everyone and especially now with social distancing and the pandemic.
When the support weans away
Eventually, people will go back to their lives and you will still be there in the grief. It will seem as they have forgotten or abandoned you. They have not…they just are not grieving the loss as much as you and may or may not understand the path you are on…we get that. In this time, you may have to reach out for other resources and groups to help you on your journey. That is why we are here.
Hopefully, our words and resources will provide you with some peace and solace in your journey.
We’d love to hear from you -what are your thoughts on community. Please contact us.
Peace, and blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
