Traditions…we are surrounded by them…especially on the holidays. There are the foods that we always make because of our heritage, foods that we make because certain people expect them at the holidays. There are customs that come both from heritage and our relationships with people…but what do we do when that person is no longer there? Do we continue the traditions? Do we create new ones? Do we hold tightly to what was before? Do we let go and find new ways to celebrate?
That depends.
There may be some traditions that you want to keep and others that you may want to discontinue. That is ok. At first, you may hold on to everything and then, as time goes by, you may determine what it is you want to do and what you want to move away from doing.
Jeni:
At first, I held on to everything and I tried to do everything. Christmas with his family, Christmas with mine and then something with just the kids. Sometimes, I would succeed…other times, I would barely make it through the season. Bob and I always decorated every single room of the house as it was our favorite time of the season. After his passing, I would barely get the tree up and, most times, I depended on others to do it for me. I threw out our Christmas tree and bought a prelit one as I could not get the lights on the tree. When Bob was alive, he would chase me around the tree as we put the lights on the tree. I simply couldn’t put the lights on anymore without breaking down entirely. So, a prelit tree was in order.
2018- this year makes 11 years since Bob’s passing. This is the first year that I have been able to decorate and have actually looked forward to decorating for the season. I no longer feel that I have to make it to every single event. I go where I can and don’t feel guilty if I cannot make everything. This year, I am sorting the Christmas ornaments so that the ones that were important to Bob (but not necessarily to me) can go to the kids and I am keeping the ones that I want. Additionally, our very last purchase together was a Christmas ornament of Beauty and the Beast. It has sat on my dresser ever since that day. This year, this ornament has left its place on my dresser and has joined the other ornaments on the tree. I plan to pack it away after the season with the other ornaments.
Also, I used to drive myself crazy baking for everybody. This year, I plan to bake but not as much. I am working towards creating new traditions and new ways to celebrate. I am also working on not feeling responsible for keeping everything going the way it used to be. It no longer is as it used to be. It is different and I am different. Thus, different traditions are in order. I will keep those that are important to me and modify or remove those that are not.
Even so, I still cannot put lights on the tree. That may never change and that is ok with me. I enjoyed running around the tree with him and that may always be something that belonged to him and me alone.
Teresa:
Our first Christmas was awful and sucked. No other way to describe it. I was still pretty much in denial/anger/bargaining stages with bits of depression setting in and a tiny bit of acceptance. I was purely surviving and just wanted it over. I attempted to force celebrating for the boys.
Before Kris died, I used to love Christmas and go all out. We’d decorate the entire house with music and it was a festive decorating party. After Kris died, I just couldn’t do it, I didn’t want to or care. I managed to throw some lights on the gate to ranch – bawling the whole time. The tree nearly did me in. The boys, being troopers and their girlfriends attempted the festive theme and helping. I remember vividly wishing I could just die watching my sons put up lights when it was supposed to be Kris. I solved the grief by drinking myself numb and then getting violently ill. What I learned in this process is that getting blasted is not the best decorating plan and it definitely doesn’t lend itself well to the holiday spirit.
What we changed: We made new traditions and stopped many. I no longer send the holiday newsletter or paper Christmas cards, I decided to go green and send electronic and save the trees and hassle. Plus my envelope licking & stamp putter on person wasn’t there to facilitate or help. I stopped making HIS favorites for family meals, no one wanted them or liked them anymore. I’ve cut way back on decorating and did what made me happy and joyful through the years. I’ve also cut way back on the food prep and moved to keeping it simple & healthy. Asking the boys what they want and feel is important for the meal when they are home.
2018: It’s been 9 years and I’m finally feeling my old festive spirit rekindling. The decorations and tree are up the first week of December. Wow! I’m joyful and into this season. However, HIS ornaments are still buried in the ornament box and will remain there. Nope not this year, just can’t do it. Some of our ornaments that we collected on our trips are on the tree. More for the boys than me. I can put them on remember the happy vacations and not cry. I’m looking forward to Christmas with my boys and new Bitner family.
Traditions – It’s OK to move on & make new. In fact, it’s healthy.
Some ideas to honor your loved one – light a special candle, hang a special ornament, give your time, money, resources to a cause they supported, look through photos, and take a moment or two to share some memories .
It took Teresa 9 years to get here and Jeni 11 years. It may take you months or years to get to your “comfortable place” with holidays/traditions. Not to worry….this is your journey….go at your pace. It is ok. On your journey know it is OK to not feel joy just as it is perfectly OK to feel joy. Make new traditions that work for you, drop the ones that drag you down or make you blue.
Know you aren’t alone.
Wishing you and yours a peaceful, and blessed Christmas,
Jeni & Teresa
