When we first lose our love, it is difficult for us to consider moving on to allowing another person in our life. After all, we have had love and, in its loss, it is difficult to see how that can ever be replaced in our life. The truth is, that same love will not be replaced. However, if you are open to it, you can find a new companion and a new relationship–when and if you are ready.
Well meaning people will push us in different directions after the loss of our loved one. For Jeni, the first mention of moving on and dating occurred at the funeral home during her husband’s wake. One of the attendees walked up to her and said, “Don’t worry dear. You are young. You will remarry.” Honestly, this was WAY TOO SOON to be considering dating again.
For Teresa, well meaning friends tried to set up a blind date – thank God he didn’t show as she had no idea what she really felt or wanted. Another friend encouraged her to get on a dating site – ick and way too early for her. Others wanted her to be a widow and mourn forever.
In your widow journey, you are going to find, like the both of us, that some want you to move on quickly while others feel that you should never ever pursue another relationship. They will all have their opinions. The one that counts here is yours. What are you ready for?
Unfortunately, the reality is that you are still here even though your lost love is not. You have to move on in life as you are still here and you get to move on at YOUR pace. This includes the topic of dating again or seeking companionship.
If you are ready to date, you can. It is OK. There is nothing wrong with it. Many times, we hear the question, when is it OK to date again. Our answer is that we have promised until death do we part and we have fulfilled that vow. We did not promise till death plus six minutes, six weeks, six months, six years or whatever length of time you or anyone else deems appropriate. This timeline is up to you and your level of comfort.There are no written rules for when to date again or that you must find companionship.
A good rule of thumb is not to do anything radical the first year. This may include dating as the first year of grief tends to put us in what we call the widow fog.This may not be a great time for starting a relationship. However, it is still up to you and your comfort level.
We may miss companionship, intimacy, physical touch and help. That’s normal and part of the process and known as secondary losses. Often, you may hear this referred to as the “Widow’s Fire”. You might consider a quick fling or hooking up as a coping mechanism. Again, this is up to you; however, this comes with its own consequences and side effects. Please, whatever you choose to do in your journey, be careful and safe. It’s a wild world out there.
We all want to feel connected in life and this is part of our struggle when our strongest connection has been taken away. Humans are designed to be in connection and community. We are meant to have companionship. When we feel isolated, our mental health could suffer. Finding another person to have fun with and do things with is part of being human. When you’re ready to find a companion and maybe date consider the following:
Things to consider before dating:
- Where are you in your grieving process?
- What is the purpose of dating or finding a companion?
- How do you feel about dating or finding a companion?
- Are you looking for escape or replacement for your loss?
- Are you looking for a new experience?
- What do you want and need from companionship?
- There may be loved ones and friends who aren’t ready for you to move on – that’s OK.
- What type of relationship are you looking for at this point in your life?
Grief is a creature all of its own that we struggle with in our loss. Trying to move on and into the new is just as scary at times. Know that it is ok to move into dating and companionship when you are ready–no matter what others say. They will all have their opinions no matter what you do. So, when you are ready…if you are ready…it is ok to seek a new person in your life. It will not be the same as you once had, but you are different now as well. What you need may be different … and that is OK as well.
So, if you are ready to date and find companionship – It is OK to. If you’re not ready, that’s OK too.
This is YOUR journey and it is OK.
We need your help in determining what’s next after the It’s OK series. We are seeking a theme for our 2023 blogs. What would you like to see from us in 2023? Please let us know here.
Please share our site and resources with others in your life who might benefit from our work.
Peace & Blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
PS: For additional support you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
Torn in Half: The First Days as a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback and ebook.
