Our last blog was about it’s OK to love again. If you are not ready to love again, that’s OK. It’s more than OK. For a long time, neither of us were ready to love again. You may find yourself thinking maybe down the road or not ever. It’s all OK. This week, we’re digging deeper into this topic by sharing our stories of finding love again. We’re sharing our stories in hopes that they provide you perspective and support.
I was NOT going to fall in love. Absolutely not, no, never. I was never going to allow myself to be hurt and gutted by losing another spouse. Marriage was a definite no, heck no. Way too complicated and I didn’t want to get enmeshed with another person and their families. I didn’t want to get hurt again.
I was lonely for adult male companionship. I thought I just wanted companionship and maybe a lover. I had heard the term friends with benefits and that sounded about right for me. No strings attached and nothing serious.
I had tried a dating app early on and it was an awful experience. When a divorced friend and I started hanging out we wanted to meet other older single adults. Where does one find these and NOT at a bar. Ick. We started going to older people (over 40+) meetups. It was fun but I felt like I had a connection for perhaps a friend or maybe a little crush, they’d bolt.
I signed up for another dating site and this one seemed OK and matched based upon similar values. I like the fact it had science and statistics in the matching of people. I gave it a go late at night over wine and with coaxing from my friend. I met a few nice men and a lot of weirdos, creepers, cougar hunters, and I want you to raise my kids matches. Nothing worth a second chat conversation. I felt I just wasn’t cut out for this and was giving up on it.
I was also noticing I was repelling more men than finding anyone as a companion when we went out in our groups. I had men tell me – just stop talking, you’re too much, you’re too assertive, I want a “nice southern woman”, you’re too smart, will you give me money, will you help my kids out, and on and on. I started going out with those groups less. It wasn’t worth the rejection and feeling like something was wrong with me.
I had given up on the meetups and in person events. I was sort of into the dating site liking and winking at some dudes late at night after wine time. The exercise was something to do and felt like I had potential for a match according to the site.
I happened upon Bill and we had a 93% match. This man has potential, wants a fit partner, has a sexy Italian race car, jump flying side kick, mmm nice I thought as I perused his profile. Oh boy, he has a son and some seriously dorky dress clothes. Nope not raising another son. We had a good match so I winked and messaged him and thought what the heck why not.
He replied the next day and we started a conversation on the app. We chatted it up and there was something magical about our conversations. We really had so much in common – both computer science and tech nerds, loved rock and roll, cars and more. There was a flutter of excitement and real connection. We gave out our phone numbers and started talking over the phone and texting. His voice melted me in a way I hadn’t thought was possible again. After a couple of weeks of chatting and texting, he suggested we meet in person for a walk. Bingo, speaking my love language outside and walking and talking.
That first walking date I was beyond nervous and exhausted. I was dead tired after attending all three days of the Austin City Limits festival hanging out with a younger crowd of people. I almost bailed on the walking date. I was a woman of my word and backing out at the last minute just felt lame. I chugged more coffee and dressed cute but not too cute for a walk.
My first impression was, hmm he’s tall, really thin and not really my typical type. Oh well, it’s just a walk right. He walked over and gave me a huge hug. I freaked out, I hadn’t been hugged since Kris died. We started off down the walking path. He immediately wanted to know about Kris and expressed his sympathy. That certainly took the widow elephant out of the room. It felt weird to talk to him about Kris but he was curious and interested in a sensitive way. Very different from anyone else I talked with. We walked and talked for 3 hours until dark. Our conversations were even better in person. I really liked him – oh dear, that’s not supposed to happen.
This first date kicked off more walk and talk dates in the surrounding parks. We moved from just casual to serious about each other in three weeks. Really fast.
Too fast for many. Some friends were super happy, some were concerned, some were angry and a few ghosted me. The kids were quiet about it and didn’t show much emotion other than whatever makes you happy mom.
Within a month or so we decided we were exclusive and a couple. I knew I was falling for him and my flight fright mode kicked in. I had to dump him, no way I could be in love or have another serious relationship. I could not get hurt nor subject my kids to this. I had to bolt. I was only looking for companionship. My therapist reminded me that I was looking to love again and move past all of my anger and abandonment issues. I explained I couldn’t do this, not again. She was supportive and reminded me to consider if he met my characteristics for new love. Dang it if he didn’t meet them all and more. I decided to not bolt and see what happens. We were only dating and it was sort of serious but I could bolt if needed.
We continued our whirlwind romance, met the kids, and began seriously dating. There were lots of awkward moments – going to church together at the other’s church. The looks, whispers and glances. Our kids were open and accepted this new relationship and never once expressed a negative thought. Meeting his family was awkward but they were kind and nice to me. We both had houses and separate lives. We kept them separate and spent time at each other’s houses. Swapping weeks. It was an intense time of working hard, dating and getting to know each other.
Things got complicated when it was time for me to sell my home and ranch. It was too large for me and the boys were out doing their lives and school. That had been my plan, get them graduated from high school and sell it. Now what? Do I get a new place? – we looked at some. Do I move in with him? Do we get a new place together? We decided based upon the fact we were spending every day and night together and to save money I might as well move in with him. My flight fright mode was a little triggered but it made too much sense. So I moved in with Bill. The boys were mostly gone but coming back here and there. They had a room they could share if they wanted to stay with us. Our boys mingled and we blended into a new family unit without stress or drama. It flowed naturally. Bill and I were not their parents but there as a supportive adult. If they wanted to call us dad or mom we were ok with it but not forcing it. I think the boys being older made the transition much easier for us all.
We had talked about someday maybe getting married. The time became apparent when my oldest joined the army and would be gone for who knows how long. We wanted our sons to be there for our wedding vows. We decided to get married before he left for basic training. We didn’t want a big ceremony or family, just the boys. We both had had the big hoo haa wedding and weren’t interested in the expense or stress. We wanted to unite in a quiet ceremony. We had a simple justice of the peace wedding in our favorite gazebo walking spot in our neighborhood. We took the boys out for Italian afterwards to celebrate. Simple and quiet like we wanted.
It’s been 10 years almost to the day we met. We’ve been married for 8 years. Hard to imagine that it’s been that long. We’ve had our ups and downs but more ups than downs.
Throughout this entire time Bill has been respectful and supportive of my previous life and marriage. He wishes I had a video so he could get to know Kris and understand him. I still have days and moments where I’m sad and melancholy. There’s a hole that will always be in my heart. October is particularly bittersweet – it’s when Kris died and when I met Bill. So many feelings tumbling around each year. The joy and profound loss mixed together to make life.
I know I am privileged, blessed and lucky to have found a good man and husband again. I am grateful for this life, love and second chance for marriage.
Getting married is OK. Not getting married is OK.
The next blog, Jeni will share her story of finding new love and ways to honor your loved one while being in a new relationship.
This is YOUR journey and it is OK.
We need your help in determining what’s next after the It’s OK series. We are seeking a theme for our 2023 blogs. What would you like to see from us in 2023? Please let us know here.
Please share our site and resources with others in your life who might benefit from our work.
Peace & Blessings,
Teresa & Jeni
PS: For additional support you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
Torn in Half: The First Days as a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback and ebook.
