Today we are continuing our series of “It’s OK”. Our intent is to answer all those questions that swirl about, is it OK to feel this, is it OK to do this, is what they are doing OK, is what I’m doing/feeling OK and more. If you’ve got a topic you’re wondering about, please let us know. We’ll do our very best to answer your questions.
When you lose a spouse, everyone seems to assume that you lost your intelligence as well. All of a sudden, everyone “knows” exactly what you should do, how you should act, and what is “best” for you. Some of them are well meaning individuals and some of them are serving their own needs by providing you with such “helpful” advice. It is true that in grief you can become foggy and fuzzy for a time, however, you are still you and you still have a brain. You have the ability and the right to decide what is best for you…even when you don’t feel like you are capable of such decisions.
As widows, we were recipients of the Advice Deluge. It came from all sources, family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, co-workers, and even those strangers who have “heard” the news and just want to help, etc. Know that most of them are coming from a place of truly wanting to help and assist. However, some of them are also dealing with a lot of their own stuff and may not be offering the best advice for you and your situation.
In the widow grief fog, it is very easy to not only take in all of the advice that is offered but to also try to follow every bit of it as you try to rebuild your life from the rubble of what has just occurred.
Through our own experiences, we have learned that some of the advice is useful and very much needed in our lives. We have also learned that some of it is trash. It is not only unneeded but can also be harmful to our process and our journey.
In our writings, we tend to call the harmful unneeded advice “chunks of coal”. These items can and should be tossed into the burn pile and set ablaze. You are very welcome to ignore these items. Just listen, nod your head and then take that advice and throw it in the burn pit.
Those tidbits of information offered to us that are helpful and needed actually nourish our souls in this time of our lives. Capture them, they are the “golden nuggets” that will help you transition and heal in your journey. Treasure them and keep them safe. Use them as needed.
Some of those well meaning people have fantastic advice (our treasured golden nuggets) and some have not at all helpful and in some cases harmful advice (those blasted chunks of coal).
How do you know the difference?
The best advice we received is to trust your gut. Your gut may be in knots and you may question how to know. Tune into what you need and what you want. If it doesn’t feel right…trust that. Truly only you know what’s best for you. You can always accept, reject or reframe the advice so that you choose if and how to implement it. You may even find that what works for you today may not work in the future. It is OK to redefine received advice as you move along your journey.
Some thoughts on how to know if the advice is helpful or not.
- It’s centered about you and how you feel and what you need – NOT the other person’s issues or feelings.
- Is this something you asked for or need?
- Is this something you want or is it something someone else wants for you?
- Did they ask you, “May I share some ideas for you? Or are you ready for some advice?” If someone just gives you unsolicited advice, it is up to you whether or not to accept their opinion. Either way, your decision to accept or throw out their advice is OK. Just because someone said it to you does not mean you HAVE to accept it.
- The giver of said advice is someone who you trust and know is looking out for you.
- The advice feels like it is positive and helpful vs. confusing, negative or just plain weird. If it feels negative or weird to you….trust that. Your gut is giving you a big NO. It’s OK to say no to heeding their advice
- The person knows you and your situation well and can help you with your grief.
What to say to those wonderful advice givers? It’s OK to say:
- Nothing – it’s OK to NOT reply (trust us the awkward silence will quiet them)
- Thank you for your concern.
- Tell them you’ll take that under consideration.
- Thanks for the advice, I just need you to (listen, take care of, help with, be there for me…).
- I hear you. However, this is what I feel that I need.
- Gee, that’s not helpful and doesn’t feel right for me at this time
- Especially if it feels wrong, icky, weird or just plain hurts you. Help them understand it’s not personal just it doesn’t work
Just remember, this is YOUR journey. Even though it may be difficult at this point, it is healthy to have boundaries and to stake your claim to what is right for you and what is not right at this point in your life. Treasure those golden nuggets that assist you and feel free to burn the chunks of coal that do not help at all. It is OK to not listen to everyone’s opinion about YOUR life and your process. This is you. It is OK to take your time and take the advice that serves you best.
Would you be interested in an online widows group? If so, please let us know your thoughts and what you might need. Click here to share your ideas.
Please share our site and resources with others in your life who might benefit from our work. We would also like to ask that you let us know if there is anything additional you would like to see in our site. Please contact us here.
Remember – It’s OK. YOU are OK.
Peace & Blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
PS: For additional support you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
Torn in Half: The First Days as a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback and ebook.
