April 23 of 2019….this would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. When I stood at the altar and took my vows, I imagined our marriage to be like that of my grandparents. They were married 67 years. I imagined our silver and our gold anniversaries with our grandchildren around us celebrating. I never imagined a marriage of less than 14 years would be the total of the vow “until death us do part”. Even so, I have to thank God for the blessing that it was a marriage based in faith and that it ended with the words I love you. Even my brief marriage could have been so very different. For that I am thankful.
April of 2019…I have been in my house now for 14 years. I have actually lived here longer than I was married. That seems both amazing and awful to me. My marriage should have been longer than my residency in my home. As I sit in this house this year, I am planning on moving out soon (maybe even before the year is out). It is time to move on to other things and I am finally ready.
2019…This year will bring me to the 12th anniversary of his death. I have been through all the stages of grief (I am actually supposed to be writing about acceptance but that blog will have to wait until I get this one out of me). Actually, I have danced, swirled, twirled, jumped, stomped, cried on and done just about everything with each one of the stages. I have jumped through one, stepped back into another on this crazy widow journey. It is strange to think that he has been gone almost 12 years and, in another 2, will be gone longer than we were married.
The Shoulds….
If I were going to go there, I could say, “We should be planning a celebration”, “We should be taking the vacation of our lives.”
But I am not.
He is always going to be a part of me and my life. He is the father of our kids. He is the man I married and lived with all that time…so, I am going to spend some time remembering (like always); but, I am also going to give myself the permission to enjoy the day and my life.
I might bake with the grandkids, take a bubble bath, or watch a movie with the new love in my life. I know that many of you may not be able to think about or consider someone new in your life. He has been a blessing to me in many ways. He was the one who allowed me to get to acceptance and to give myself the permission to truly be “me” again. Not the me I was before…she is no longer here. No, I had to find the new me and accept who I am now and who I continue to be. I am truly thankful for his love and support in my life.
So, I will spend what should have been my silver anniversary (25) celebrating the love of my kids, grandkids and the others around me in my trusted circle.
I wish for all of you peace and blessings, love of family and friends, love of the memories and acceptance of your new self and your goals and future.
Jeni & Teresa
P.S. Please help spread the word, about the Torn in Half GoFundMe account we created in order to increase the reach and effectiveness of this blog. Please help us help others by either contributing or by sharing this request with others.. No amount is too small!
Thank you in advance! Jeni & Teresa
