The next installment of our series – Let’s Talk About the Grief Stages/Journey – Anger.
If you missed the introduction or would like a review of the stages, take a look at part 1 – Let’s Talk About The Grief Journey and Stages. The grief journey isn’t a linear or step by step process. It’s a swirl and there is no right or wrong way to do grief. You may feel all or none of the stages in 5 minutes or 5 months. It may actually feel like a roller coaster ride.
Anger – It almost consumed me. Was I angry after Kris died? You betcha! When did anger hit me? Immediately. Right after I was told about Kris’s death, I was livid at him for riding that #@% motorcycle. I was angry with the lady who ran into him, angry at the trooper for telling me, angry at the school for making me sit in the office at work to find out, angry at people for showing up, angry that they didn’t show up, angry at myself for being angry, angry at everything and nothing.
I spent a while in denial and anger was it’s friend. Anger sunk in and stayed. I spent a long time in the anger – it was a comfortable place to be for me. Anger was something I could relate to and hold on to. Traumatic sudden deaths can do this so I’ve been told. I get it.
What did my anger look like? It went over the entire spectrum of anger. From a screaming, yelling cursing mess, to the silent smolder, to tears. I was snarky, sarcastic, sometimes mean, sometimes silent and no fun to be around. I found myself in a situation where my anger was out of control and it was erupting like a volcano in public. I needed help but was reluctant to seek it. What would I do without my anger? It kept me from really dealing with everything else and my profound sadness.
A pivotal moment on my journey that pointed me to deal with and release my anger came from a dinner date with some other grieving people who had traumatic deaths (accidents, murder, suicide, sudden illnesses, etc). As we ordered and ate dinner, I listened to their stories, and how they interacted. I could see some of them were energized being defined as a widow/widower and the death of their loved one. The seemed to revel in their anger and spent their lives making others pay or remember. I was taken back at how some of them kept the going to the parole hearings, making sure the criminal stayed in jail, taking their children with them, visiting the accident scene frequently, suing others, and living in that anger daily. I felt their anger, the venom of their stories and their continued need to make the others pay for their grief. I left stunned and sad. I did NOT want to be like them in 5 – 15 yrs. I didn’t want to still be so angry and full of hate, venom, and anger. I had to let go and work on the anger. I didn’t know where to start so I prayed. I vowed to move past the anger and NOT be an angry bitter widow. I wanted to live. That night started the journey to forgiveness and deep therapy work.
What about that big ole’ tattoo and anger? An eagle scout Kris has mentored drew this beautiful piece of art as part of his way of dealing with the death. It is absolutely beautiful and captures so much of the essence of Kris.
It’s a large fleur de lis with an eagle, stars, cross on the inside. It also has our KK brand, Kris’s dates of birth and death. Underneath has Kris’s classic saying of “It’s All Good” in a ribbon. Above the design is Live, Love, Laugh. It is huge – filling and 8.5×11” sheet of paper. The day he gave it to me, I said, “That’s so awesome and it’s beautiful. I’m getting a tattoo of this!! Kris hated them but I love them!” As we cried again, I knew a big ole’ tattoo was in my future.
The summer after Kris died there was a group of us that were going to get this tattoo and put Kris’s ashes in the tattoo as a memorial to him so we could have him with us forever.
One guy found an older, experience and respected tattoo artist that would work with the design and the ashes. He went first and had his done, all black and smaller on his bicep. I loved it! It was such a beautiful tribute. I wanted color in mine and planned to put it on my thigh. The artist and I talked about it. He said it couldn’t be as small as the bicep one to incorporate all of the details and color. OK, sure, make it bigger and I’ll see you next week for my ink.
I arrived and he had this humongous 8 x 10” design prepared. Woah, I was thinking 5 x 5”max. I was a teacher after all and widow. I laughed. OK, what the heck. Kris really hated tattoos and by golly he wasn’t around to stop me and I really wanted this tattoo and his ashes on my right thigh. I thought to myself, let’s do this. It’s not like I’ll ever have another man. If I do someday, he’d have to be OK with tattoos.
The tattoo artist prepared me and the ink with his soft soothing voice. He was so sweet and gentle while he worked. Explaining each detail and how he was mixing the colors, ashes, and where he was inking. We talked and cried the 3+ hours it took to do the tattoo. He shared his tattoo stories, about his life and the deaths he experienced. He was really honored to do this for us. As he talked, I cried as the pain of the tattoo was cathartic and allowed the anger to flow with the tears and pain.
The tattoo and the forgiveness work was the beginning of my anger healing. I’m so glad I got the tattoo, it’s a conversation piece and I have Kris with me forever. I worked many years on the anger, and sometimes it creeps up. Especially when it’s an event for the boys and their dad isn’t there for them. That gets me every time. I get sad and angry all over and go through the grief stages again. I swirl for a shorter time and less intensity and lean into it for a bit.
How do I know if my anger is out of control? I recently came across this article from UT Texas is your anger out of control. It has a particular image of the with a spectrum of anger I found particularly helpful. I wish I had known this before I erupted so many times and before I hurt myself and others with my anger.
Anger is 100% normal and it is part of the journey. Depending upon your own grief you may or maynot experience deep anger. If you do, lean into it and learn from it. If not, that’s perfectly OK. Just don’t try to stuff it. If you think you are out of control or scared by your anger – get some support or help. Read more in our article about When to Ask For Help If you have Thoughts of suicide – Get help immediately – call 911 or the US. National suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255
Jeni’s anger story is our next planned article. She will share her dealings with anger on her journey. For now, I hope my story and our articles open up a conversation about grief and the winding journey it is.
Want more information about grief, stages, support? Check out our Resources page or send us an email.
May you lean into your anger as you journey through your own grief,
Teresa & Jeni
Disclaimer: We are not mental health, legal, or financial professionals. We cannot personally endorse any of these websites, books, or organizations. Please use these sources for information only and consult professionals as necessary.
P.S. Torn in Half News
Jeni and I are writing a book from our blog series and would like to invite our readers to offer subjects, topics or items you want us to blog about and/or include in our book. The intention is to produce a useful resource and workbook for widows and widowers.Please send us your book topics and subjects.
