Life is full of changes, and as we go through life, we change, grow, and adapt to those changes. We learn and we move forward. We evolve.
Today, we are going to discuss growing and moving forward without our loved ones and how our lives go on.
Marriage is one of life’s major changes. Through it, we accept someone as an integral part of our lives. As a couple, we spend years leaning into each other. We learn and blend into each other’s rhythms, we build a life of shared dreams, inside jokes, struggles and daily routines. Together, we grow and evolve. We accept the changes that come along on this part of our journey, and we face them together.
But when loss enters the picture, something unexpected happens. This is a change we did not expect, nor do we welcome it. Instead, this is a change that requires us to adapt and redefine much of our lives. The shared evolution as a couple has come to a halt. We now have to evolve and grow on our own.
The truth is, we are not the same women we were before the funeral, before the casseroles, the long lonely nights, and before the silence set in. And how could we be?
This truth is difficult to express. It feels disloyal somehow, as if acknowledging that we’ve changed dishonors the life we once shared with our loved ones. But the deeper reality is this: loss demands change. It rewires us. It doesn’t give us a choice. We’ve had to change to survive and learn to thrive.
Since becoming a widow, we’ve grown in ways never expected or wanted. We’ve made decisions on our own, faced our fears, and reinvented parts of ourselves. We’ve moved forward and stumbled backwards. We’ve leaned into our values, identified our needs, learned to set firm boundaries, redefined what life looks like, set new goals, and learned to grow and move forward.
We’re not the same woman who stood at the altar. We’re not even the same woman who whispered goodbye. We have had to become someone new.
This version of ourselves is wiser, more tender, more fierce, and deserves to be seen. We may laugh differently. We say no more often and set new boundaries. We have new hopes and dreams. We may even be someone others don’t recognize.
This new version of us is real. She’s rising. She’s becoming. She’s remembering the love that helped shape her into the person she is now. She is honoring that love by creating a new life.
For both of us, we would never have met without the loss of our husbands. Jeni would not have been seeking a coach, and Teresa would not have become a coach. Our blog would never have been created, nor would our books have been written. What would have been the purpose without the loss?
Individually, we moved forward as well in new and unexpected ways.
Jeni founded and ran her own nonprofit to benefit children. She has since furthered her education and begun coaching those pursuing new goals in life, providing leadership and soft skill training.
Teresa left teaching and started her coaching business, partnering with those who’ve been knocked down by life and want to bounce back to live a more bold life. She wrote her memoir Soul Love: How a Dog Taught Me to Breathe Again as a resource for those who’ve lost a loved one.
Though neither of us expected it, we have both found another love. These individuals respect our lost loves and have added a new dimension to our lives.
Sometimes we wonder… if he were still here, how would our growth have been different? Where would that journey have taken us? This question feels both unfair and unavoidable. It is one of the many “What ifs?” of grief.
The truth is, they haven’t grown with us. They couldn’t. They stopped at that point where we lost him. And that’s no one’s fault. But it complicates how we carry them with us. We still love them deeply, but we don’t always recognize who we were back then. And we don’t know if they would recognize us now.
There’s grief in that, too. Not just for the men we lost, but for the versions of us that were lost with them. And yet, there’s also grace. Because the women we’ve become have survived, have transformed, and have risen.
We’re no longer measuring our worth by who we were in that marriage. We carry the love, the memories, and the lessons that we shared, but we also permit ourselves to grow beyond them.
If you’re feeling unfamiliar in your own skin with all of the changes and if your reflection feels both known and new, we see you. This is change and transformation through grief and loss. Grief may have shattered us, but we’re slowly putting the pieces back together in new ways.
We are not the same. That’s okay. We may even be better in some ways. But certainly… different. And that’s okay.
We’d love to hear from you
What changes have you been through? Leave a comment or share this post. Someone else might need to know they’re not the only one feeling this way.
Peace & Blessings,
Teresa & Jeni
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a follow-up journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope. It is available in paperback on Amazon.
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