Throughout the widow’s journey, we encounter many things. Today, we will discuss how others may try to compare their experiences to yours. Please keep in mind that grief comes in various forms and is a very unique journey. Though some may try to compete in who is grieving the most, it is not a competition. It is simply an unwanted journey that we must travel through to heal. How you travel is up to you. You can empathize or sympathize with them, but please do not allow them to make you feel less. Your grief is true, and you get to grieve and experience your loss in your own way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
From other widows:
When we join this widow club that none of us want to be in, other widows will often share their journey. They may be well-meaning when sharing their journey and trying to be helpful. However, it can often feel like they are saying you’re loss isn’t as bad as theirs. They might try to make you feel better, but it can make you feel awkward and uncomfortable.
You might hear the following:
- It was awful; I had to pull the plug on my husband after months of hope.
- Watching my husband wither away with cancer for five years was the worst. At least your spouse went quick.
- My kids are not doing well, how can yours be back in school already?
- How could you return to work so soon? I was off for two months.
Are we supposed to now comfort them, and agree our loss isn’t so bad, but theirs is worse? No, you don’t have to do anything or respond in any particular way. They do not know what you are going through or living your life. Remember, each journey is as unique as the relationship it represents.
From others who are trying to assist by comparing your situation to something in their life:
Sometimes, the people who are trying to comfort us have not had such a loss in their life, and they are looking for a way to relate to your situation. In these cases, you may hear a statement like “I know just how you feel”… this will usually be followed by an experience in their life.
Here are just a few that we have heard:
- I felt that way when I divorced my husband, or we broke up
- I just recently lost my pet.
- When I lost my job, I thought my entire life was over.
Many things in life will cause a person to grieve, and we acknowledge that. However, when a person tries to compare these types of experiences to your loss, it may bring up a series of emotions and feelings. In these situations, you may need to pause, take a breath and try to remember that most of these people are well-meaning and simply trying to help. Again, this is your journey, and your path is up to you.
How to respond and deal with this situation.
You get to choose if and how you respond. There is no point in arguing with them that your loss is huge and not smaller than theirs. We each grieve and experience loss differently.
You can reply reminding them of this fact. There is no bigger or worse loss, loss is loss and what may seem small to us may in fact be the biggest worst loss for another. It’s a our unique journey. You can choose to let them know that for you this loss is impacting your life, it’s the biggest loss you’ve ever had, or their loss is different from yours. You can let them know how they can be of support or help to you.
As we continue the theme of Your Grief is Genuine, we’d love to hear any topics or questions you’d like us to write about. Contact us here or on Facebook or Linkedin and please let us know.
Peace & blessings to you.
Teresa & Jeni
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a follow-up journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope. It is available in paperback on Amazon.
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