To say that the widow journey is an emotional roller coaster is a major understatement. It is a twisted, topsy turvy ride that takes us through the entire emotional gamut. Major lows, weird highs and everywhere in between. The raw emotions come on quick and easily overload us. It may feel like your emotional covering has been stripped bare like a wound and you feel exposed and raw to everything. At first it’s completely normal to be numb and in a fuzzy numb cocoon. That’s normal.
When it first happens, you can’t even breathe at times. First you are numb. Then, you are a mess of tears. You feel nothing. You feel everything. You can’t think. You can’t stop thinking. Sleep may be a companion or the enemy. You feel raw and can feel every nerve and yet, you feel nothing. You try to feel in control….control what? There is no control to this…it just is. People around you speak and you try to listen. Most times, they sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown….Waaah, Whaa, Whaa. You try to interpret what is going on around you but it is as though your compass is broken. Your emotions are likely seeking to be poured out and may come out at any given time and point. Others may not understand when you start crying over produce in the store or you fall into a sobbing heap during an event (perhaps one that you and your spouse would have attended). They cannot understand as this is not their journey and you wouldn’t want them to be able to understand. Just process your emotions as you need to and let them wonder.
Jeni’s story – Everything was really a fog for me. I just went through what had to happen. I listened as they told me he had died. I planned the funeral. I stood at the casket and did what was expected. I clung to his friends as they carried me sobbing out of the funeral home. I sat at the front of the church and followed him down the aisle to the hearse…my children clinging at my side. I spent the following months just trying to figure out what the hell just happened and how to cope with everything on my own.
Teresa’s story – I remember being afraid of how strong my emotions were. I am a passionate person and emote normally. When Kris died, it was like the throttle was maxed out and my emotions were stronger, more visceral than ever. I was afraid of how angry and violent my thoughts were. I was fearful of how desperately sad and depressed I was. The pain was both emotional and physical for me. I felt like I was losing my mind and grip on reality. I learned about the tangled emotional ball in my church’s GriefShare group. I learned what I was feeling was perfectly normal and even okay. I wasn’t losing my mind. I was grieving. That image of a tangled ball of feelings and wording still fits perfectly for how I experience grief. It’s perfectly normal to feel ALL emotions at once or in rapid succession.
Our Advice – First of all, take small steps. One day at a time if you can. One hour if you cannot or one minute at a time if need be. Make lists–write down things as you think of them, whether it is something you want or need or just something you are feeling. Journal–this helps to process emotions in so many ways. Find a routine that works for you in the moment. Take care of you–do things for yourself to help rejuvenate. Eat/drink/sleep. Be gentle with yourself and take good care of you. Feel free to say yes to anything that makes you feel comfortable and no to that which makes you feel uncomfortable. Accept/ask for help where needed but also feel empowered to deny unneeded help or advice. Find strength in your weak moments, for they will allow you to process through the walk.
Just remember, you are most likely going to feel just about everything and, at times, just about nothing. This is ok and normal. However, if you are feeling extreme ups and downs, a good counselor can help tremendously to process your emotions and move through the grief process.
If you want to learn more about the grief journey known as stages please see our blogs on that topic starting here. We also have resources for you located on our resources page.
Whatever your emotions, please know that they are going to happen and they are part of the process. May peace and blessings travel with you on this journey and may you find solace in your travels.
Teresa & Jeni
