Widowhood is not an organization that anyone chooses to join or wishes to join. There is absolutely no choice in the matter. Those of us in this particular “club” don’t want any more members to join; however, we know that there will be new people on this journey with us. Take your time on this journey to process the information and to adapt to your new life. We will not say to get over it or that everything will return to normal. There will be the life before and the life after. There will be a new “normal” and a new “ok”. It will not be the same. But, you will be ok. You can get through this and you can survive. You do not have a few weeks or a few months to get over everything. You have your entire life ahead of you.
No matter what anyone tells you, grief is a journey and it is now your unique journey. When you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it. There is strength in your weakness. Also, don’t be afraid to speak up when others try to over help you in ways that make you uncomfortable. You can claim your journey as yours. It is our hope to provide you with resources that you can access to assist you with your journey and allow you to see inside our experiences so that you may draw from them the resources that you need to make your journey a little easier.
Everyone seems to have an opinion on how to live your life. Truly, they all had opinions before but we were able to drown them out. Now, their opinions seem amplified as we search for the answers to our new lives. We are trying to find new normal.
“You should date”. It’s too soon to date. You’re young…you’ll marry again. You should sell your house. You should keep your house. Take some time off work. Don’t you think you have been off work long enough. It’s time to move on with your life. Why are you always depressed? How are you so happy?
You can’t win trying to please them. They do not understand where you are in this journey. They have no clue and while you don’t want them to truly understand. You want them to at least try to understand without adding to your emotional roller coaster. Problem is…they are also struggling for words and sometimes… their words of “comfort” may be more troublesome to us.
You would like some sound advice and someone to talk to but who? Who can you trust? Who will get it? Who won’t tell you something that’s stupid or hurtful thinking they are helping? So, we learn to not talk to anyone but try to live and breathe.
That’s because our relationship with our deceased loved one is as unique as a fingerprint. You may have lost your best friend, you may have lost a spouse you didn’t know anymore, you may even have lost a jerk you just happened to be still with at the time of their passing. It doesn’t matter…because death still hurts and it will be a journey for you that will be as unique as you.
If you are looking for some way of talking but there’s no one to talk to…try journaling. Writing can have great benefits. Even a letter to your loved one can help in processing your emotions. If you are up to it, try talking to a trusted person, professional, mentor, coach, pastor, or spiritual guide is a great option.
Remember…this is YOUR journey. You may be feeling like you should be grieving more or maybe you feel like you are grieving too much? There is no right or wrong, it is your own personal unique journey. Although there are similar stages and similar steps, there are no two grief journeys that will look exactly the same, last the same amount of time, or end up with the exact same result. Each of our journeys is as unique and special as our relationship with our loved one.
Peace & blessings along your journey.
Teresa Bitner – PMP, M.Ed. ACC & Jeni Elkins – BA, MBA
Authors of Torn in Half: The First Days – available on Amazon
