As we wrap-up our Grief is Genuine Despite the Questions series, we’re tackling the miscellaneous questions that we’ve had to field. This is by no means a complete list. However, these are some of the more memorable and challenging questions we’ve heard.
Remember, no matter the question, you get to decide if you want to reply and answer or pass. People may be genuinely curious and concerned. They may also be having their own challenges with their own grief and feelings and their questions may be a reflection of their own emotions. How you choose to respond or not respond is entirely up to you.
Why do you still wear your wedding ring? OR Why aren’t you still wearing your wedding ring?
Our wedding ring is ours and what we do with it is ours to decide. This is a tricky topic for those of us grieving. There is no right or wrong way. You get to determine if wearing it is what you choose to do AND you can also choose to not wear it. You can decide to wear it on another hand. You can also take it off for a while and then put it back on. Whatever brings you comfort. No matter what you choose, your wedding ring can bring up a swirl of emotions. We’ve written The Ring Wondering What To Do – for more support and our different stories for perspective. In the responses below, you don’t have to explain or tell others why. Unless you want to.
Ideas for a response: “I’m choosing to wear my wedding ring”, “You’re correct, I’m no longer wearing my wedding ring.” , “I’m not ready to talk about this.” or “I’m ready to talk about this, do you want to hear about it.”
Don’t you think it’s time to change/move stuff in your house?
There are a variety of reasons why you might be keeping things the way they are. For one, you might like the way things are. You also might like the memories associated with certain items or the placement of them. You might feel that moving them is like moving your loved one. Whatever your feelings are about things, they are valid. You need time to move through this process at your own pace and you have a right to determine the pace. If you are feeling stuck or overwhelmed by it, it is also ok and very brave to ask for help.
You will know when you are ready to make changes.
Potential responses: “I appreciate your concern, I’m not ready now.”, “This is tricky for me and I would like some help and support. Would you be willing to help me?”, “Is there something you’re concerned about?”, “I’ve been thinking about it, but it’s really hard for me.”, “I feel overwhelmed at the thought of this.”, or “There’s so many memories attached to everything.”
When are you going to get rid of all that stuff? Shouldn’t you at least pack it all away?
Oh the stuff, such a tough topic. So many emotions are tied up. Just like moving their stuff may make you feel like you are moving them, getting rid of the stuff may make you feel like you are getting rid of your loved one. This is another topic you get to choose your timeline. You might be ready soon or it may take years. Do what makes sense for you and your family. Be mindful of moving too quickly to be rid of their items. Take time to grieve and then consider mindfully what you’d like to do with them. If friends or family are willing, engage them in the process of sorting and dealing with the stuff. We’ve written an article on this for additional ideas and support: https://torninhalf.com/their-things/
Responses you can use: “”This is my home and my process. I’ll handle things in my own time.”, “I feel overwhelmed at the thought of this.”, “There’s so many memories attached to everything.”, “I’ve thought about this, and I just can’t seem to find time or have the emotional energy to deal with it.”, or “I could use some help. Would you be willing to help me sort through everything?”
When are you going to start dating again? Also presented as….I have a friend you should meet or I set you up on a blind date.
Well meaning friends may suggest that we start looking for a new companion. This suggestion may come at a time when you are considering that option or it may come at a time when it is the farthest thing from your mind. This again, is something that is up to you and your own timeline. Some are ready to move on shortly after their loss and others prefer not to seek another person and there are those who are somewhere in between. Wherever you are in your decision to date again, it is ok to make your own choice. Here is an article we wrote on this topic: https://torninhalf.com/its-ok-to-date-find-companionship/
How to reply to the dating questions: “I’m focused on myself and my family’s well being. Dating isn’t a priority at the moment.”, “It’s hard to imagine dating. My heart is still with my late spouse.”, “Maybe someday, I’m not rushing into anything and I want to make sure I’m truly ready.”, or “I’m not ready to date or be set up with anyone.”
Why can’t you go to dinner/ or this event with us? You used to be social. Why don’t you try to go out more?
When we lose our loved one, we also lose the person who attended all the social events with us and it may take time to be comfortable with going alone or with someone new. Just as it takes time for us to identify the way life will look without our loved one, it also takes time to be comfortable going out without them. Take some time to process your feelings. If it seems that there are other issues keeping you from attending events, write them down and consider what you would like to do. If you really want to go, what steps can you take to make you more comfortable? Some options are to give yourself the ability to leave early if you need to or have a friend with you as a buffer if times get difficult. Here is an article we wrote on this topic: https://torninhalf.com/its-ok-to-respond-your-own-way-to-event-invitations/
Ways you could reply: “Thank you for the invite, I’m not ready.”, “Thanks for the invite, dinner with couples/social events feel different for me now. I’m still adjusting.”, “It’s hard for me to attend social events while I’m still grieving.” “No thank you, it feels too overwhelming (or however you feel).”, or “I appreciate your concern, I’ll decide when I’m ready to be social again.”
In this series of questions, we’ve focused on the remainder of questions that we have heard. If you have any questions you have received that you would like us to work through, please let us know.
Regardless, know that your grief is genuine and you have the right to choose how and when you talk about it. Remember that talking about it and them is an important part of the process. This is your grief journey.
Peace & blessings to you.
Teresa & Jeni
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a follow-up journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope. It is available in paperback on Amazon.
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