The struggles we don’t say out loud, but feel every day
When we first shared Part One, we intended to continue the conversation quickly. Then the holidays arrived, life continued moving forward, and grief reminded us that it doesn’t follow publishing schedules. We took this time intentionally, living, reflecting, and honoring the season as it came.
We decided to talk about how the holidays are reflected in our grief journeys. Now that the noise of the holidays has settled, we’re returning to this conversation with open hearts and a deeper awareness of the quieter layers of widowhood that unfold over time.
In our previous post, we discussed some of the visible realities of widowhood. Those practical decisions and happenings that occur almost immediately after a loss.
- Finances
- Housing
- Family dynamics
- Friendships
- Dating
- And the painful question of what to do with their things
Those challenges matter. They are a part of our grief journey. They are real and heavy.
They are only part of the story.
Beneath those tangible decisions lies another layer of grief. A quieter layer that often goes unnamed. These struggles are harder to explain, harder to share, and often carried alone, and they shape our days just as much as the practical choices we are forced to make.
If you recognize yourself in any of this, please know that you are not alone.
Who Am I Now?
When we lose our spouse, we lose more than the person we loved. We lose the life we were living together and the identity that quietly formed inside that shared space. We are no longer a wife and no longer part of a couple. We wake up as one instead of two, carrying a role we never asked for and never prepared for. The future we imagined disappears, and with it the sense of who we were becoming together. Grief then becomes more than learning how to survive the loss. It becomes a slow and deeply personal journey of finding yourself again. This does not mean letting go of who you were with your loved one. It means learning how to hold that part of your story while making room for who you are now. There is no clear path for this kind of rebuilding. It often feels confusing and uneven, unfolding alongside waves of grief that return without warning. And in the quiet moments, a question surfaces that many widows carry silently. Who am I now?
There is no rush to answer this question and no single right response. For many widows, the answer comes slowly, shaped in small moments of honesty, reflection, and courage, as we learn to listen to ourselves again and allow who we are becoming to unfold in its own time.
Faith and Spiritual Struggle
Loss often reaches into the deepest places of our faith and unsettles what once felt certain. Some widows find comfort in prayer or in spiritual practices that offer moments of grounding amid pain. Others feel a growing distance from beliefs that once brought peace, as questions rise, doubt settles in, and silence feels heavier than words. Both experiences belong here. Grief does not follow spiritual expectations or timelines, and faith is not lost simply because it changes. For many, it reshapes itself quietly along the way.
In this space, you are allowed to be gentle with yourself, to rest in uncertainty, and to trust that wherever you are spiritually is enough for today.
A resource we’ve both found supportive is GriefShare
The Pressure to Be Further Along
As widows, we may experience pressure from others to be further along in our grief. You may feel your own pressure, or it may come from others. Many widows hear well-intentioned comments like, “You are so strong,” or “He would want you to be happy.” While meant as encouragement, these words can carry an unspoken message: you should be “better” by now. Better to not grieve so hard or wish you were back to your old self. It’s not like we’ve been sick and can get “better”. Grief isn’t something you get over and get “better” from; it’s something we incorporate into our lives. The pressure to get “better” or move forward quickly is not helpful, and only you get to decide how far you are in the grief process.
Moving forward in grief isn’t linear, and it cannot be rushed. Some days feel lighter, while others bring waves of sorrow that feel just as intense as the beginning. Both can exist at the same time.
It’s OK to move at your own speed.
Grief Fog and Cognitive Overload
Grief affects more than emotions. It impacts focus, memory, and decision-making. Cognitive overload happens when our mental processing capacity is overloaded. You may feel mental exhaustion, reduced performance, and an inability to process new information, which can lead to errors, confusion, or decision paralysis. All is normal when grieving.
Simple tasks can feel overwhelming. Bills are missed. Appointments forgotten. Words disappear mid-sentence. This is not failure or weakness; it is a natural part of grief.
Our minds are carrying an enormous emotional load while the world expects us to function as we always have. Give yourself grace, take your time, and ask for help.
Parenting While Grieving
For parents, grief carries an added weight. You are now the steady place your children lean on, even when you feel anything but steady yourself. Supporting them through their loss while managing your own pain asks for a kind of emotional strength no one prepares you for. Whether your children are young or grown, their grief weaves itself into yours in ways that are impossible to separate. Many widows describe feeling as though they are grieving twice, once for the loss of their spouse and again for what their children have lost. You cannot grieve for them or take their pain away, no matter how much you wish you could. Showing up, loving them, and doing the best you can in each moment is enough, even on the days when it feels like you are barely holding everything together.
Grief Struggles – Solo Parenting
Special Days and Anniversaries
Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and death dates often carry a different weight after loss. These days can feel heavy long before they arrive. Some widows choose to plan ahead and mark them with intention, while others prefer to keep things simple or step back altogether. There is no right way to move through these moments. What matters most is honoring what feels manageable for you. These dates naturally remind us of what was and what has changed, and grief can rise to the surface in ways we do not always expect. As they approach, it can help to be gentle with yourself, to notice what you need, and to create space for care and support in whatever form feels right.
Special Events Without Your Spouse
Talking About Them or Staying Silent
Talking about your spouse can sometimes make others uncomfortable, while staying silent can feel like erasing their existence. Many widows find themselves living in this in-between space, unsure when it feels right to speak and when quiet feels safer. We carry their absence with us every day, even as the world around us continues to move forward. Finding your own way to speak about them, or choosing not to, is part of learning to live with that absence. There is no correct approach and no timeline for deciding what feels right.
You are allowed to honor your loved one in the ways that feel most natural to you, and to trust yourself as you navigate these moments with care.
Loneliness, Even When Surrounded by People
Widowhood can create a deep and particular kind of loneliness, one that does not disappear simply because others are nearby. You can be in a room full of people and still feel unseen, or painfully aware that you are the only widow in the space. What many widows long for is not more company, but understanding. They seek a connection that recognizes the depth of their loss and the ongoing nature of grief. In these moments, it is okay to name that loneliness, to seek out spaces where your experience is understood, and to remind yourself that feeling alone does not mean you are forgotten or invisible.
Dating and Changing Relationships
Dating after loss is deeply personal and often layered with complicated emotions. There is no timeline and no single path that fits everyone. Some widows know they never want to date again, and that choice is enough. Some are simply not ready, and that is enough too. Others may try dating and feel judged for it, even though those judgments say far more about others than they do about you. Relationships of all kinds can shift after loss. Grief reshapes us, and not every friendship survives that change. Over time, many widows find themselves drawn toward new connections, often with people who understand the quiet moments, the mixed emotions, and the unpredictable waves of grief.
Wherever you find yourself in this season, you are allowed to trust your own timing and your own needs.
It’s OK to Date & Find Companionship
These struggles may be invisible to others, but they are very real.
If any of this feels familiar, please remember this:
You are not weak for struggling.
You are not broken for changing.
You are human and you are surviving, even when it feels impossibly hard.
We see you.
And we are walking this road with you.
We’d love to hear from you
What struggles have felt particularly challenging in your grief journey? Leave a comment or share this post. Someone else may need to know they are not alone.
Peace & Blessings,
Teresa & Jeni
P.S.
For additional support, you can download our free resource 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss.
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is available on Amazon in paperback and offers support for the earliest days of grief.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a guided journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope, also available on Amazon.
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