When we’re grieving we often can wonder if it’s still OK to cry. We may be afraid to show our preconceived notion of “negative” emotions. We often consider negative emotions to be anger, slobbery ugly cries, continued sadness,or depression. We’re here to assure you that it’s perfectly A-OK to cry, it’s perfectly normal and healthy to have those negative feelings like anger. These emotions/feelings provide you the opportunity to process the event that changed your life. They are a necessary (even if awkward and uncomfortable at times) part of the process.
Truly, there’s really no such thing as “negative” emotions. Emotions just are. They exist. They need to be felt. They are neither positive or negative – they just are. Judging emotions is definitely not helpful in any form. Let’s suspend judgment about feelings and allow them to be part of us. We are emotional beings. It will happen. Though it may be difficult at times, we also need to not judge the feelings of others around us
We start to feel like we shouldn’t have these “negative” feelings when we hear things like:
“Aren’t you passed this by now?”
“Why do you cry all the time?”
“You should smile more.Be happy.”
“He/she would want you to be happy and not miserable all the time.”
“Wow, you’re still so angry, snippy, and grumpy?”
“You’re screaming and yelling again – calm down.”
“It’s been ___ months/years…get over it.”
“I am not going to be around you if you don’t perk up”.
When you hear all of this, don’t you just want to scream, shout, cuss. Etc?
Don’t they get it?!? Your whole world has changed and they just want you to GET OVER IT?!?!?
These types of statements are more about their discomfort with your grief and wishing you were “better” like it’s a disease you can cure. They want the “old” you back. They don’t understand that the “old” you no longer exists. Remember there is no such thing as a “negative” emotion, it’s more about the discomfort others feel and their own desire to move past the loss themselves. You may be uncomfortable with the feelings as well if they aren’t your normal range. That’s OK too and perfectly normal.
It is also OK to seek assistance if YOU feel that your emotions are overwhelming you. In fact, we have found this to be a sign of strength. It takes courage to admit you need assistance. We suggest that you find a good therapist, coach, spiritual leader or someone that YOU feel comfortable talking about your feelings and emotions. Someone who won’t judge but will actively listen and allow you to work through your emotions as you travel your journey.
One thing to consider: if you’ve been in the same place and it’s been months and you’re not feeling at all hopeful, that may be a sign to get professional help. Here’s an article we wrote for when to ask for help and the types of help.
Some people just don’t understand that this is something you don’t “get over”. You find a way to integrate it into your life. It becomes part of your story.
You cannot and should not push down your emotions. That is not healthy for you. You need to feel and process these emotions so that you can healthily move on in life. You shared a life together, plans, hopes and dreams. This has all changed and you have the right to grieve at your own pace and in your own way.
So…cry if you need to. Yell, scream, shout…allow yourself to get the emotions out so that you can travel this twisted widow journey
It’s OK. YOU are OK.
And…we are here as you travel along. We hope and pray that our words and stories provide you comfort as you travel.
We’re considering opening up an online widows group. Please let us know your thoughts and what you might like to see in an online widows group. Click here to share your ideas.
Please share our site and resources with others in your life who might benefit from our work. We would also like to ask that you let us know if there is anything additional you would like to see in our site. Please contact us here.
Remember – It’s OK. YOU are OK.
Peace & Blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
PS: For additional support you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
Torn in Half: The First Days as a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback and ebook.
