This is the 2nd topic, in our Let’s Talk About The Grief Journey and Stages. Anger– it’s a topic often thought to be a negative feeling. While it can be negative, it is a valid feeling and It happens. It can be a positive part of the grieving process and it is often a part of the widow journey that you may move in and out of at varying times.
If you missed the introduction or would like a review of the stages, take a look at part 1 – Let’s Talk About The Grief Journey and Stages. Our image of a spiral staircase is indicative of the path your grief may (and most likely) will follow. This isn’t a linear or step by step process. It’s a swirl and there is no right or wrong way to do grief. You may feel all or none of the stages in 5 minutes or 5 months. It may actually feel like a roller coaster ride.
As we delve into the topic of Anger, we will define anger and look at what’s normal. Anger is often thought of as the second part of the journey and it often starts there but usually pops its head up and down throughout the process. Anger is kinda like the old Whack-A-Mole game at the county fair. You just have to keep dealing with the critter and try to knock him out.
Anger defined by the Kubler-Ross model: “When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
Anger – What’s Normal?
Anger comes when the shock and cocoon of the denial begin to wear off and the stark reality of the loss hits us. For some, anger is a natural feeling, and others it’s a taboo or “bad” feeling that we try to hide, deny or mask. Anger isn’t good or bad – it just is a feeling. Masking anger will not remove it from the process. You’ll need to allow the angry feeling to come in and be and allow yourself to walk through it.
Anger is a 100% normal reaction and is one way to allow us to cope with the gut wrenching loss that has happened in our life. You may actually be surprised by how deeply you feel this emotion. You may express it in a more vehemently manner than what’s normal for you. Others may be shocked and uncomfortable with this level of emotion. That’s OK, it’s not their journey.
Anger may sound and look like: (this list is by no means comprehensive)
- Being annoyed at everything and everyone
- Lashing out at loved ones
- Anger at the deceased
- Why…
- Why me/the deceased?
- Why now?
- It’s not fair!
- How can this happen?
- Who’s at fault?
- Anger at anything/everything for no apparent reason
Note: It is not acceptable to yell at, physically abuse, hurt others in your anger. That’s never OK. Please do find alternative outlets for your anger. Screaming into your pillow or out on a walk is perfectly OK. Punching the pillows or a good workout great. Writing it out, drawing, dancing, exercising are all great ways to process the anger.
Anger is a natural part of the grieving process. There are many reasons why we would be angry for a partner passing and it is one of the emotions that we need to pass through on our journey as widows. Anger is a place we can get stuck – think of the angry bitter widow/widower. It is healthy to enter in and out of this stage. It is not healthy for us to remain there for a long period of time.
During your journey it can be helpful to get support and help. Read more in our article about When to ask for help. If you have Thoughts of suicide – Get help immediately – call 911 or the US. National suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255
In the next few postings, Jeni & Teresa will talk more about our individual dealings with anger in our respective journeys. For now, let’s just sit with this part of the journey and sink into the reality of anger related to death.
Want more information about grief, stages, support? Check out our Resources page or send us an email.
May you find Peace as you journey through this path.
Teresa & Jeni
Disclaimer: We are not mental health, legal, or financial professionals. We cannot personally endorse any of these websites, books, or organizations. Please use these sources for information only and consult professionals as necessary.
P.S. Torn in Half News
Jeni and I are writing a book from our blog series and would like to invite our readers to offer subjects, topics or items you want us to blog about and/or include in our book. The intention is to produce a useful resource and workbook for widows and widowers.Please send us your book topics and subjects.
