The next installment of our series – Let’s Talk About the Grief Stages/Journey – is about Depression. If you missed the introduction or would like a review of the stages, take a look at part 1 – Let’s Talk About The Grief Journey and Stages. A reminder of the “stages” they are not a linear or step by step process. It’s a swirl and there is no right or wrong way to do grief. You may feel all or none of the stages in 5 minutes or 5 months.
Depression – This is my story about my depression journey. I used to believe that’s what other people had and for people who couldn’t handle their lives. I was never going to be diagnosed clinically depressed because I had already lived through a lot and wasn’t going to see a shrink or take pills. Nope not for me, I didn’t need that.
Kris’s death brought me to my knees in many ways. Depression was one of these kneeling times of despair. I was fine admitting I was a little crazy acting, and really sad. I knew that I might even be called depressed. However, I didn’t think it was worth seeing anyone around, heck my husband had been killed and of course I was depressed. Isn’t that was grief and bereavement are anyway? No, it’s not the same. We discussed this in our introduction to depression. Click here to read Grief and Depressions What’s the Difference
The best way to illustrate what depression looked and sounded like for me is to share a few edit & modified excerpts from my book, Soul Love: How A Dog Taught Me to Breathe Again. This book is my memoir of the raw grief journey from tragedy to triumph and hope renewed.
*** Excerpts from Soul Love: How A Dog Taught Me to Breathe Again ***
Chapter 6 – A New Normal
“I know I’m not the happiest or nicest person to be around right now. … I’m so emotionally sensitive; bitchy, grumpy, angry, and tired to the bones. I haven’t gone to the doctor to get antidepressants or sleeping pills yet … too stubborn. I’m not depressed, I’m in deep grief. Right?”
My friends at school keep telling me, “You should go to the doctor, you don’t have to suffer.” I respond despondently, “Why bother? What will chemicals do for me?” How could I NOT suffer? I’m a widow. It’s normal, after a spouse dies, to wish you were dead, too –”
Chapter 10- Deep, Dark Abyss …
“Okay, okay, okay … I will go to the doctor. I am behaving a little irrationally at work. Maybe a lot irrationally. I blew up and made a huge, loud scene about something that normally I’d take in stride. …I hope I don’t get fired. The fight was between me and a co-worker. I went off at him in front of an administrator and my colleague, screaming at him and wanting to choke him. I started to go over the top of a desk to grab him. Thank God, the administrator stepped in front of me and got my colleague out of the room. What the hell was I thinking? Oh, that’s right—I wasn’t thinking.
I am losing it. I cannot seem to get it together after the 1-year anniversary. I am so tired, sick again, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Gotta go to the doctor because I’m sure I have another sinus infection. I swear I’m sick more often than I’m well. And St. John’s Wart isn’t doing much for my emotions either. “
This excerpt is from Hans – my dog’s perspective – who tells part of the story I don’t wish to tell.
“Mom’s really been scaring me with her talk about the “deep, dark abyss” she feels luring her in. … She’s afraid of a lot of things now. She’s really pulling into herself. She goes to work, comes home, and doesn’t go out or do anything. Folks have stopped calling and she doesn’t answer the phone anymore. I don’t think she’d hurt herself on purpose, but I’m not so sure. That dark place is truly frightening for us both.
When she gets close to the dark place, she hugs me and sobs. I can literally feel the darkness sucking her in. … She’s been holding it together for a year now, working herself to death and trying so hard to do it all. She’s bottled up a lot of anger and fear.”
***
Doctor day. I finally made the appointment. If I don’t get help ASAP, God only know what I might do next. I’m terrified of myself now.
This man has been our family doctor for years, but it’s still hard to go to a doctor and tell him I’m going crazy or thinking of hurting myself. I’m exactly where I did NOT want to be emotionally. I’m scared he might send me to the local mental hospital. That would be awful. How would I pay the bills then? What about the kids and dogs?
Here comes the nurse. Crap. Do I have to tell her?
“What brings you in today?” she gently asks.
“Um, I’m feeling pretty crazy and sick these days.”
“Crazy? What do you mean? You need mental or emotional help?” she inquires.
“Yes, something like that,” I squeak out.
“Okay, here’s a questionnaire to fill out. It will help the doctor determine how you are doing emotionally. He’ll see you in a few minutes.” She thrusts the clipboard to me.
Well, there it is, The Depression Questionnaire. I rotely read and answer the questions. Yup, I’m depressed and probably crazy.
Knock knock. Doctor. Great, I have to tell it all now. Deep breath, you can do this …
***
The doctor assures me as I walk out, prescriptions in hand, “This is very normal after all you’ve been through. Give it some time and we will see you in a week. We will get through this, together.”
As I walk out, I’m thinking, Sure, I’m normal. Still don’t know what the ____ “normal” is. I now have pills to take, some for a sinus infection, one for depression, one to sleep. I am terrified I’ll be this way forever. I NEVER wanted depression or anxiety or pills. However, if I don’t get my stuff together I can see I am NOT going to get better. Then I might lose my job or do something really stupid. … The boys have no idea; I do NOT talk to them about this or show them this side. That would be way too scary for me to dump on them. I can’t believe I actually told the doctor about my deep, dark abyss. I’m not quite suicidal, but certainly NOT my usual chipper, fun-loving self. That gal died with Kris.
Okay, I will take the pills. I gotta get well, gotta get well. For the boys, gotta get well. Please, dear God, help me. I am scared and so lonely.’
*** End of Excerpts Soul Love: How A Dog Taught Me to Breathe Again ***
I’m hoping this view into my depression journey is useful and illuminating. Depression is no joke and can be debilitating. I’m thankful for my friends who encouraged me to get help and for seeking help. I no longer think the way I did. I’ve researched and learned alot about this disease. I have come to believe my previous eating and drinking over-indulgence was depression related. I’ve been on antidepressants to help manage my depression pretty much from that point on. I was able to get off them for a short while but then my mother became ill and died. So, knowing what that deep dark abyss felt like I went back to the doctor and got back on them. I go in for regular checkups and my depression is manageable at the current dosage. I still have my up and down days. However, the deep, dark abyss is closed and I’m living with joy, laughter and love again.
Grief is 100% normal and it is part of the journey. Depression may or may not be. If you do feel that the grief has reached a different level, lean into it and get help and support during this time of your journey. If you think you are out of control or scared by your grief and/or depression – get support or help asap. No point in waiting and losing your control at work or in a public place.
May you lean into your grief journey and find the love and hope in life again.
During your journey it can be helpful to get support and help. Read more in our article about When to ask for help. If you have Thoughts of suicide – Get help immediately – call 911 or the US. National suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255
In the next posting, Jeni will talk more about her depression journey. For now, let’s just sit with this part of the journey and sink into the reality of grief, bereavement and depression related to death.
Want more information about grief, stages, support? Check out our Resources page or send us an email.
May you find peace as you journey through this path.
Teresa & Jeni
Disclaimer: We are not mental health, legal, or financial professionals. We cannot personally endorse any of these websites, books, or organizations. Please use these sources for information only and consult professionals as necessary.
