In our previous article, we wrote How to Set Boundaries and provided some sample starter statements for setting them. The next part of the process is what to do when you get pushback or are ignored on your boundaries. It’s not if it’s when. This is because change is difficult for everyone, and setting new boundaries will be a change. It’s normal and part of the process for others to want to return to how things used to be before the boundaries–similar to how we would like things to return to how it was before our loss. Preparing for the pushback is part of self-care and doing what’s best for you.
Creating a plan to work through this pushback while maintaining respectful relationships with others will help us establish healthy, strong boundaries that serve us and our lives well. As we stated in our previous blog, healthy boundaries provide guidelines to ourselves and others regarding what we will and will not accept in our lives. As our lives evolve, our boundaries may also change but should only be changed when we identify a new need.
Change can be scary for some; when we add boundaries to our lives, we change our relationships’ structure and format. Others may resist by trying to ignore or question your boundaries. They may be uncomfortable with the changes and may even resist your boundaries and challenge them. Let’s start with some of the ways they may push back, and then we will talk about how to deal with them.
Ways they Pushback:
Dismissiveness/Ignoring – This looks like when people dismiss your boundaries. It is as though they are unimportant. Their actions may look like they are ignoring them and downplaying their significance to you. It may sound like, “This wasn’t an issue before,” “Oh, you’re just grieving it’s OK,”, “You’re being too sensitive,” or “It’s not a big deal.” Be mindful that this can lead us to second guess your boundary and the validity of it and lead to frustration in the relationship.
Resistance – Instead of accepting our boundaries, some people may actively challenge or try to negotiate. They may argue that our boundaries are unreasonable or try to get us to relent and go back to the ways things used to be. In extreme cases, they may try to use manipulation to undermine our confidence in maintaining our limits.
Guilting/Guilt-tripping – A common tactic. This looks like the other person trying to make you feel guilty for having boundaries, prioritizing your needs, having needs, being selfish, etc. It sounds like, “What is this for?”, “I’m good; what’s wrong with you?”, ”You’re not who you used to be,” “You don’t act the way you used to,” “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t do this to me,” “If you really loved me, you would do…” or “You’re just being selfish/mean/weird/XXX by setting this boundary.”
Anger/Hostility – Sometimes, a boundary pushback can be received poorly and trigger someone into outright anger or hostility. This can result from them feeling threatened by the change, triggered or their control has been usurped. It may look like passive or overt aggression, bitterness, spitefulness, or belligerence. They may resort to yelling, stomping, hang-up, blocking you, threats, lashing out. Be mindful if they lash out with vitriol or manipulation trying to get you to relent on your boundary. Remember that says more about them than you. Stand firm. It may sound like, “If you do this, then I will…,” “How could you?”, “I’m not speaking to you anymore…”, “silence as they hang up, block or “cancel” you from their life,” “Cursing,” “I can’t be your friend anymore,” or “You’re just doing this because…” They may lash out verbally or emotionally, attempting to intimidate or manipulate us into relenting.
Responding to their reactions
Ok, now that we have identified some ways people will react to our new boundaries, how do we handle it when it happens?
The first thing to remember is that you identified and set these boundaries for your health and well-being. This will help you remain confident and allow you to be assertive as you maintain your boundaries. Keep in mind that having these boundaries in place will help you maintain respectful relationships in your life, assist you in your self-care, and assist you in your personal growth. Your boundaries are yours, valid, and you have the right to have them and uphold them. They are essential to have as you travel your journey.
How to Respond to Pushback
The most important thing is to remain firm and calm and remember why this boundary is important and part of your self-care toolkit. Be mindful of self-doubt and guilt the other party may be trying to get you to feel. You are in charge of your feelings.
One way is to think about how you might respond to their reactions to your new boundaries. Preparing beforehand will enable you to respond to general pushback without adding heavily to your stress.. Having a few prepared statements to support your reply can go a long way in helping you reinforce your healthy boundaries..
Once you have decided on your boundaries, it is essential to communicate your new boundaries to others so that they know what to expect. When stating your boundaries, use clear, assertive language and use I statements. .For example, “I value my personal time and need space to recharge after work. So, I won’t be available to socialize every evening. I hope you understand and respect my need for alone time.” By letting them know your needs and expectations by using I statements, you can avoid creating defensive emotions in others.
After you set the boundaries, you can also indicate what steps you plan to take should the boundaries be crossed or violated. Just as you communicated your boundaries, be clear about what you are willing to do (and are going to do) when your boundaries are not respected. Staying calm, cool, and collected so that you can respond without emotion is the ideal way to respond. If things get heated, it may be time to step away and come back another time. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally to follow through if necessary. It is crucial to be consistent when reinforcing your limits.
While setting and affirming boundaries, it’s important to have self-compassion. Remember, it’s not selfish to set or maintain boundaries. It’s a part of your self-care. Practicing self-compassion can help support you as you deal with the myriad of emotions, potential guilt, and self-doubt that may arise. Remember, you are worthy, and your boundaries are valid and important.
It helps when you have support. Seek out family, friends, and others who respect and support your boundaries. You may also want to seek support from a coach, counselor, or therapist. They can assist you in defining your boundaries and working through the challenges of setting and keeping them.
Setting and affirming healthy boundaries can be hard at first. It’s important to do what you can to take care of yourself. Know that it’s a part of good mental health and self-care. You get to choose what to say yes to and what not to. It’s not selfish. Remember that boundaries are a work in process and will change as you and your life change. We’ll discuss evaluating boundaries further in our next blog.
Peace & blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a follow-on journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope available on Amazon in paperback.
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