Are we there yet? I’m bored. What can we do now? How much longer? Why are we going there? Why can’t I sit in that seat? What time is it now? Why can’t we stop here?
Do these questions sound familiar? They do if you have ever traveled with a child who is tired of traveling.
Often, as widows, we get similar questions from those around us when we are in grief. These questions are often well meaning but can be hurtful, insensitive or triggering. They can bring up a lot of emotions and it may be hard for you to respond. They are often a sign that the other person is uncomfortable with your grief or wishing you were “over” it or back to the person you were.
The questions below are some of the grief timeline questions you may be asked. We’ve also included some possible responses you can offer to those questions.
Don’t you think it is time you moved on?
While this is very insensitive and potentially triggering to ask a widow/widower, it is a question that we often receive as we process our grief. While society may be ready for us to move on, we may not be and there is no magic timeline for grief. It is a journey that is uniquely yours to move through at your pace.
A firm reply you can reply with, “I know you may be ready to move on, but I am not, please respect my grief journey. I have to do this in my own time..”
Isn’t it time you get over everything?
This one is triggering for us – you never get over grief or loss of your spouse. Everything that you’re living can be overwhelming and the thought you’d be “over” is an unfair ask. You live through it and move through your grief. You get to process your grief and move through it on your own timeline. Do what’s best for you.
A response could be, “I’m moving on my own timeline and doing the best I can, everything is a lot to ask and can be overwhelming.” If you’re comfortable and curious you could ask them, “What part of this do you wish I was over?”
Isn’t it time to start to live your life again?
This implies that we may get back to our old life and how we lived before. Our lives have been unimaginably changed forever. When we’re grieving the thought of “living again” can be unimaginable. We may not want to live again, we may not be ready to live again. Fortunately, you are still living. You are still living life only this is a new phase of your life that includes grief. This new living looks and feels very different for us while we’re grieving. It takes time to even figure out how to breathe much less live. Take your time and go at your own pace.
A way to respond would be: “I am still alive and doing the best I can to breathe and take care of me.” If you’re comfortable you can add that to let them know your old life is gone and you’re living in a new life with grief as a part of it.”
Isn’t it time to put the past behind you?
This question could be asking if you’re ready to move forward and past the grief. It could be well meaning and from a place of concern. You may not be ready to move forward. At some point, you will be ready to start taking steps to move forward with your life and put the past behind you. Dealing with the past and the events leading up to and surrounding the loss take time to process. You get to choose the timeline.
A reply could be: “I’m processing my grief at a pace that works for me.” You could add, “The past is something I cherish (or whatever you feel).” Or ask “What past do you wish I had behind me?”
How long are you going to grieve? Shouldn’t you be over this by now? How much longer are you going to feel this way?
When we first start to grieve, we are in what can be called a “grief fog”. Grief often puts us in shock and our body and our mind is trying to readjust to how life is going to be moving forward.As time goes by, these feelings may lessen and we learn how to cope in life without our loved one.
As for the question about how long we are going to grieve, we often answer that we will miss our loved one for as long as we are alive. Yes, the levels of grief will diminish. However, we don’t get over the grief, we heal and integrate the loss into our life. It becomes part of our story. So, no we are not going to get over the loss but we will get better in how we feel, cope and manage daily life.
A way to respond to this one could be: “I am going to miss my loved one as long as he/she is gone. I will get better but it will take time. This is not something I will get over but I will get through it.”
Isn’t it time to get back to normal?
Honestly? For many of us, the concept of normal has completely changed or no longer exists. It has to be redefined. We have to rediscover and find what works for us now. When Jeni is asked this question, her response has become “Normal is just a setting on the washing machine that nobody uses anymore.” For her, humor is her best reaction. However you choose to define normal now is up to you.
Another possible response could be: “Normal has changed for us (me) and I (we) are working to discover how normal will be going forward.”
In this series of questions, we have tried to focus on the timeline questions of grief. Over the next couple of blogs, we plan to discuss other questions and possible responses to the many questions we get asked. If you have any questions you have received that you would like us to work through, please let us know.
Regardless, know that your grief is genuine and you have the right to choose how you travel this journey. If you feel that your journey is too difficult or taking too long and you need assistance, please reach out to a counselor, therapist or trusted friend.
Peace & blessings to you.
Teresa & Jeni
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a follow-up journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope. It is available in paperback on Amazon.
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