Over the past few blogs, we’ve written about the sometimes uncomfortable topics of dating again, marrying again and finding ways to move on in your life while honoring your past love. Today, we’re tying this together with what building a new future can look like. Our next OK blog, we’ll be writing about it’s OK to keep old traditions & It’s ok to have new traditions.
Since we started writing this blog, we’ve been drawn into conversations and events dealing with grief struggles and the grief journey. Many times, these conversations deal with all the feelings that widows and widowers have as they try to build their new lives without their love. Some conversations included what to do with their kids and how to handle their feelings about loss. Other conversations deal with moving forward and all of the opinions that come from everywhere. These are all great conversations to have as you work through your grief and build your future.
Some of the conversations include the type of person that should now be in their lives. We have heard horror stories of those who have tried dating only to have the person not want to hear about the lost love and pretend it didn’t happen. While you don’t want to overwhelm a new person with our past love and the grief, it’s perfectly acceptable to expect that they realize that you have loved before. That is a part of your story and a part of you. Just as you have to accept that they have lived a life before you, it is not unrealistic to expect that they realize you have had a life before them.
Both of us have found someone in our lives that accepts we have loved before and that there will be stories from time to time. We could not imagine being with someone who would want to eradicate that part of our lives. It is a part of us and a part of our story. So, yes, you can have love again and, at the same time, honor the fact that you have loved before.
As a widow, our struggles may include feelings of guilt for moving on, guilt for being happy, and fear of what the future may be – plus many more complicated feelings. Feelings of I’m happy, I’m terrified, I’m not ready, I’m ready and more may swirl as you navigate this. All perfectly 100% normal and OK. Conflicting emotions are normal and part of the grief process.
Questions may swirl as well – What about the kids, what about their stuff, what do I do with our photos, how do we continue to honor our loved one, I’m having a widow wave, now what?, will this new person get it when I’m having a bad day or just feeling low? All normal questions and OK.
While it is normal to have these feelings and wonderings, it is also ok to move on and build a new life. Life as you knew it has ended and building a new is what occurs – no matter how you might feel or choose to do.
Take a moment to sit in your feelings. Feel what you have to feel. They belong to you and they are part of your grief meanderings. Once you have done this (and yes, they may come back from time to time), ask yourself what you want and need in your new life.
Know that others are going to have opinions and advice. For some, you will move too fast. For others, you will move too slow. We have learned that their opinions are just that –THEIR opinions. You do not have to live your life to suit their needs. Your best option is to listen to what works for you and file away (or burn) the ones that don’t fit into your life. This is YOUR journey…not theirs.
Yes, you can and likely will continue to honor your past love. What that looks like and how you chose to honor is 100% up to you and perfectly OK. There is no right or wrong way. Others may disagree but it’s YOUR journey. If you have children they may want to participate and honor or not. It’s all OK.
How you might honor past love and include current love.
- Light a candle
- Say a prayer
- Connect with your family and friends
- Share fond memories
- Make their favorite food
- Journal
Looking at your traditions is another way to move forward while honoring your past. Which ones still ring true for you? Which ones would you like to change? Which ones would you like to create now? It is OK to determine which are right for you and which you would like to develop as you move forward with your life.
In our next blog, we will continue the discussion of old and new traditions. Please let us know if you have any thoughts on this topic. We’d love to hear from you.
Whatever you decide to do or not We’d is ok. Finding and falling in love again is OK. Not doing so is OK as well. This is YOUR journey, and it is OK to do what is right for you.
Please share our site and resources with others in your life who might benefit from our work.
Peace & Blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
Torn in Half: The First Days as a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback and ebook.
