Last time, we wrote about achieving milestones…what if you aren’t ready for that? In this journey, there are times when we can barely breathe…let alone think of doing anything.
Achieve goals? I can’t even breathe. This is OK and is part of the process.
During these times, just focus on breathing and doing what you can when you can. Take it one second at a time until you can take it one minute at a time, 5 minutes at a time, ½ hour at a time. Soon, you will be making it day by day and then week by week. Give yourself the grace to do what you can when you can.
You may feel stuck and goals are the farthest thing from your mind. It’s OK to feel this way and sit here for a bit.
Being in the depths of debilitating grief is normal at the beginning of your journey. Your life has forever changed and the loss and grief can be overwhelming. It is during these times that you may need to rely on friends or family for support. If your grief becomes too heavy or overwhelming for you, you may want to seek professional support. Otherwise, know that it is normal and OK to feel overwhelmed as you are processing this heavy loss in your life.
As you continue through your journey you may find times you are ready to move forward. One step forward and then wham! You go two steps back as grief sits you back down for a bit. This is normal and part of the grief process. It is ok to take a moment and sit when needed.
Teresa’s Sitting for a bit:
When Kris was killed, I was stuck for a while in the grief fog and miasma of grief. I considered dressing and showering a major accomplishment. All I wanted to do was cry, whine, rage and sleep on the couch. I was told this was all normal. It did NOT feel normal at all. I felt out of control and fearful of everything. I returned to work as a zombie but I showed up and did what I could. Eventually, I found the will for some small goals – deal with the paperwork and get the boys graduated from high school.
There have been times since Kris’s death that I find myself in a funk and just sad or overwhelmed by his loss in our lives. I’ve taken time to just sit and be with it. There were many nights and days spent in the rocking chairs on the porch just being with it. I’ve worked with a therapist or coach to move out of the sitting in grief times. I’ve joined Griefshare groups to help me move through the grieving process as well. Sitting and allowing the feelings of grief to be is all part of the process.
It’s OK to sit where you are for a bit – no matter when you might need to sit with it.
If you’re feeling stuck and unable to move forward please seek professional help.
Jeni’s Sitting for a bit:
Coming home to find Bob lying in the yard already gone twisted my world in ways I could never have imagined. I went from being a very confident business woman to someone who couldn’t even get enough motivation to get out of bed some days. This was not me. Yet, this was me in grief. I had to get it together. I had children depending on me. It was difficult for me to function sometimes.
As I began to move forward, other tragedies hit my family. The two years after Bob’s death brought a flood that took over half of our house (that had to be rebuilt), a leg surgery that put me in a wheelchair for several months and the loss of other family and friends. We attended 14 funerals in that time frame. It got to a point where I didn’t want to go past the local funeral home as I didn’t want to see the names in fear that someone else I knew was gone.
I sought help when I needed it (that’s actually how I met Teresa) and I took it at the pace I could handle at whatever point I was at in my journey. There are still times where I have a moment of sadness or a memory that brings a tear and this is OK. I just sit in it for a bit and then move on to the next moment in my journey.
One of the best tools I have found in this journey was finding the ability to develop boundaries in my life. I have learned the power of saying no to things that are uncomfortable and unhelpful and saying yes to those things that I truly need and want in my life. I was recently told that Yeses are expensive and that they should be spent wisely. This has added a unique perspective to setting boundaries in my life.
How can I move forward when feeling stuck and sitting has been longer than a bit?
So when does sitting for a bit become stuck in grief? Click here for our perspective about Stuck Grief.
First- the acknowledgement you are stuck and feeling stuck. In grief this is perfectly normal.
Second – the desire and motivation to do something to move past being stuck.
Searching for help and reaching out for help are great ways to move past stuckness. You’re doing something.
There are times when you may search for help and not find what fits for you. Keep searching and reaching out. Honestly, that is how this site was created. We could not find the “right” resources we needed when we were grieving. We agreed there was so much more we needed and learned the hard way on our own. Our intention is to provide resources to widows and widowers.
So, if you are ready to make goals and work toward them, go for it. It is OK to do so. If you are in the moments where you are working to just get through the moment, then work on that. Getting to the next moment is a goal in and of itself. It is OK. You can sit in the moment when need be and work on those major items later.
This is YOUR journey and it is OK to sit for a bit.
Thoughts of suicide – Get help immediately!
- Call 988 or the US. National suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255 – 1-800-273-TALK
- International Suidice Hotlines https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/
And now, dear readers, we have a question for you. As we are making plans for the future direction of our blogs, we are seeking a theme for our blogs for 2023. In 2022, we have focused on what is OK and what is not OK. What would you like to see from us in 2023? Please let us know here.
Please share our site and resources with others in your life who might benefit from our work.
Peace & Blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
PS: For additional support you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
Torn in Half: The First Days as a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback and ebook.