In our last three blogs, we discussed the questions that people ask us when we are on a grief journey. Today, we are going to talk about how some of the people around us may not be able to understand the journey we are traveling. Your Grief is Genuine.
While researchers have identified the stages of grief that we may enter into and go out of as we move along, there are still those who do not realize that grief is a very unique journey. It is as special and different as each relationship that the grief represents.
Even in the same house, multiple ways of grief processing can occur. For example, Jeni and Teresa found that the grief journey they were traveling in the loss of their spouses was very different from the grief journeys their children were traveling in the loss of their fathers. In addition, each child had a different way of processing their grief. In Jeni’s house, there were four grief journeys, and in Teresa’s house, there were three distinct grief journeys happening at the same time.
In this way, it is easy to see why those outside the grief may not understand the road each of us is traveling.
The feeling of being misunderstood can be one of the hardest and most isolating parts of grief. It isn’t often talked about. Friends and family often try to help and support you the best they know how. Sometimes, the fact that they do not understand your journey may make their help ineffective for you. When they haven’t gone through a similar loss, they may not be able to understand or relate to where you are or how you are feeling. This can cause awkwardness and can leave you feeling alone and lonely in your grief, even when surrounded by those who care and are trying. In these times, they may need to hear from you what you truly need.
Remember, your grief is unique to you, and there’s no right or wrong way to navigate it. Your sorrow and pain are genuine, even when others may not fully understand. All of your feelings are valid; the ups and downs are normal. You get to mourn in your own way and at your own pace.
Some ways to work through misunderstandings
What to do when your grief is misunderstood? Here are a few ideas:
- Communicate Needs: Letting friends and family know what you need from them is a way to reduce misunderstandings. Providing this information is another way of taking care of you. If you need more space, say so. If you need someone to listen without offering advice, let them know. Often, people want to help but don’t know what we need or how to help. Communicating what you want and need can prevent misunderstandings or help you don’t want or need. If you are having trouble coming up with what is needed, make a list that you can keep handy. You can add or take away from this list as you think of things and refer to it when needed in a conversation.
- Find Support: Being around others who have experienced a similar loss can provide comfort and validation. They may understand and be able to relate to what you’re going through in a way that others may not. Joining a group in person or online can be of benefit. In this group, you may be able to find those who truly get what you are feeling and can provide comfort in letting you know that you are not alone. For ideas, check out our Resource page for groups and other resources.
- Honor Your Grief: Give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way feels right for you. Whether that means crying, writing in a journal, or simply sitting with your emotions, your grief journey is personal, and it’s important to honor it. As we stated earlier, your grief journey is as unique as the relationship it represents.
- Remember and Honor: Honoring and remembering your loved one is a way to support your grief process. Creating rituals or keeping mementos of your spouse can help keep their memory alive. This might include cooking their favorite meal, looking through photos, visiting a special place you both loved, lighting a candle in their honor, planting a tree or flower, or whatever feels right for you and your loss.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is part of self-care. Taking good care of oneself is critical to the grieving process. Grieving is a difficult and often exhausting process. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment or pressure to “move on” before you’re ready. Take time to plan self-care for yourself.
Grief is a hard concept to understand if you have not been introduced to it. While you may be grateful that others do not fully “get” where you are in your journey, you may also have to handle the fact that they don’t understand as they try to help you process. The loss of a spouse is truly detrimental as your whole life changes in ways that others may not comprehend.
Remember, this is your journey and your feelings are valid. Grief is a journey that many are on, but it is unique to you and your relationship. Take the time you need to heal and move forward, and make time to take care of yourself. Allow people around you to support you, communicate what you need, and find ways to honor your loved one in a way that works for you. Remember, to be gentle with yourself as you travel.
As we continue the theme of Your Grief is Genuine, we’d love to hear any topics or questions you’d like us to write about. Contact us here or on Facebook or Linkedin and please let us know.
Peace & blessings to you.
Teresa & Jeni
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a follow-up journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope. It is available in paperback on Amazon.
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