Last blog we spoke about “It’s OK to say No”. Today we are going to talk about “It’s OK to say Yes”.
Most of the widows we speak to and especially us have found that everyone has opinions on what we should and shouldn’t do now that we are widows. Some of them seem to be of the opinion that, when we lost our spouse, we also lost half of our brain. While it is true that, in the midst of grief, it is difficult to move out of the fog around us, we are still there and we still have the ability to choose the best moves for us. It will probably be more difficult at first, but we do not have to accept the limitations that others try to place upon us.
While it is true that major decisions most likely should wait about a year (such as moving, buying a house, financial investment changes, or what not), any decision you make is yours. It’s perfectly OK to say Yes.
No matter the situation, you are going to make the best decision that you can with the tools and other things in your life at that time. Give yourself the grace to make the decisions you are comfortable making. Also, give yourself the grace to delay the decisions that you don’t feel are necessary at the moment.
What to say yes to? Take a moment, breathe and then ask yourself:
- What is important to you?
- What do you need right now?
- What do you want in your life?
- What brings you peace?
- What makes you happy?
- What makes you feel comfortable?
Some ideas for things that might be a yes for you:
Yes, I’ll make that doctor appointment - selfcare
Yes, I’ll have dinner out by myself (or with others)
Yes, I’ll join a grief group or seek help
Yes, I’ll make new friends
Yes, I’ll volunteer for this
Yes, to allowing someone to help you
Yes, to listening to your body’s needs
Yes, to try something new.
One of the decisions that we may struggle with is dating. This is an area where almost everyone is going to have an opinion. It is too soon, you are waiting too long to get out there, etc. We are here to tell you that, like many other decisions, THIS IS YOUR CALL TO MAKE. This is your journey and only you will know when you are ready. One thing that Jeni likes to say is that we promised “till death do us part”. We didn’t promise death + 6 seconds, 6 minutes, 7 hours, 8 days, 6 months, 9 years. Thus, we have fulfilled our vows and it is up to us and our emotions to make that decision. So, if you want to date, say yes. It is OK. If you don’t, that is OK as well.
One thing that we have learned in our journeys and that we would like to pass on to you is that, when you are looking for companionship after loss, it is not wise to try to recreate what you had with your lost love. Any new relationship will be different. It must be because the new person you find will be different. Trying to make a different relationship the same as your former one is like putting a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn’t work. So say yes to what works for you at this time in your life.
Taking care of you is not a selfish thing. Taking care of you is a necessary part of the healing process. Just like saying no to those things that do not serve you well is OK, saying yes to the things that do serve you on your journey is healthy, beneficial, and most definitely OK.
Remember - It’s OK. YOU are OK. It’s OK to say Yes.
And now, dear readers, we have a question for you. As we are making plans for the future direction of our blogs, we are seeking a theme for our blogs for 2023. In 2022, we have focused on what is OK and what is not OK. What would you like to see from us in 2023? Please let us know here.
Please share our site and resources with others in your life who might benefit from our work.
Peace & Blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
PS: For additional support you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
Torn in Half: The First Days as a resource for the first days after a loss - available on Amazon in paperback and ebook.