Here we are again. Another holiday season is approaching.
Stores have had holiday decorations on their shelves for weeks, some for more than a month. The holiday season seems to start earlier every year. Before we’ve even had a chance to enjoy fall, we’re surrounded by reminders that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. The advertisements appear, conversations about celebrations begin, and calendars start filling with gatherings and activities.
For some, the anticipation brings excitement. For others, especially those who are grieving, it brings emotions that can be difficult to explain. And for many of us, it brings a little of both.
Over the years, we’ve shared our thoughts and experiences about navigating the holidays after losing a spouse. We’ve talked about self-care, setting boundaries, managing expectations, and celebrating in ways that feel comfortable. Those things are still important, but this year we’ve been thinking about something else.
How do we prepare emotionally for a season when we don’t necessarily know what we’re going to feel?
One thing we’ve learned through our own journeys is that no two holiday seasons are exactly alike. We might approach one year excited about spending time with family and friends, only to find ourselves more emotional the next year, missing our husbands in ways we hadn’t anticipated. Sometimes there isn’t an obvious reason for the difference.
And sometimes, it’s not even the holiday itself that brings those feelings. It’s the anticipation.
It’s hearing someone talk about holiday plans with their spouse, receiving an invitation addressed differently than it once was, or realizing that another year has passed without someone who used to share in all those preparations. Even when we’re enjoying the lives we’re living today, those moments can remind us of how much has changed.
For someone facing the first Thanksgiving or Christmas without a spouse, the thought of the upcoming season may feel overwhelming. For someone who has experienced many holidays since their loss, there may be excitement about family gatherings, grandchildren, or plans with someone new, along with memories that surface unexpectedly.
Having experienced the holidays before doesn’t mean we know exactly how we’ll feel this year.
As widows, we sometimes try to anticipate which moments might be difficult. We wonder how we’ll feel when everyone gathers, whether certain conversations will bring tears, or whether we’ll have the energy for everything on the calendar. But we’ve learned that we can’t prepare for every emotion.
Sometimes the things we thought would be difficult turn out to be wonderful experiences. Other times, something small brings a widow wave that catches us completely off guard.
Perhaps preparing for the holidays involves more than making plans. It also means recognizing how we’re feeling now while understanding that those feelings may change.
There’s also something meaningful about connecting with the people who share our lives today. Family and friends may have expectations based on previous years. They might assume we’ll want to do the same things again, or they may hesitate to include us because they aren’t sure how we’ll respond.
Talking about what we’re looking forward to, what concerns us, or what might be different this year can help us understand one another. We don’t have to have all the answers, and neither do the people who love us.
We also want to acknowledge something that can sometimes get lost in conversations about grief. It’s possible to look forward to the holidays again.
We can be excited about seeing family, making plans, and enjoying the season without feeling that we’re leaving our husbands or our memories behind. And if we’re not looking forward to the holidays this year, that’s part of our experience, too.
Throughout this year, we’ve talked about carrying their stories with us. The holidays are another reminder of what that means. The memories of the celebrations we shared, the love we experienced, and the lives we built together remain part of who we are, even as our lives continue to change.
Maybe that’s part of what makes the holidays so emotional. We’re carrying those memories and experiences into a season that continues to unfold around us. Some memories bring smiles, others bring tears, and many bring both.
And there’s room for all of it.
As the advertisements become more frequent and the invitations begin arriving, perhaps the most meaningful preparation we can make is to recognize where we are in our journeys today rather than where we think we should be.
We don’t need to compare this holiday season with the first one after our loss, with last year’s celebrations, or with anyone else’s experiences. Our lives have changed, and the way we approach the holidays can change along with them.
So, what are you looking forward to this season? What concerns you? Is there something you’ve been avoiding thinking about or someone you might want to talk with before the holidays arrive?
You don’t have to figure everything out today. Preparing doesn’t mean having a perfect plan or knowing how you’ll respond to every situation. Sometimes it simply means acknowledging that the holidays are coming and considering how you want to approach them.
As another holiday season approaches, our wish for you is that you enter it with an understanding of your own needs and the freedom to experience it as you are today. May you carry the stories and love of those you miss while remaining open to the memories still waiting to be made.
You don’t have to know exactly what the holidays will bring.
None of us do.
Peace and blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
Looking for more ideas as you prepare for the holidays?
Over the years, we’ve shared our experiences, reflections, and suggestions for navigating the holiday season after the loss of a spouse. We know that each holiday season can bring different feelings and challenges, so we’ve gathered a few of our previous posts that you might find helpful.
- Genuine Grief & Celebrations
Celebrating the holidays while grieving can bring a mixture of emotions. We share thoughts on managing expectations, adjusting traditions, caring for ourselves, and finding ways to celebrate that feel right for us. - The Empty Chair During the Holidays
Holiday gatherings can remind us of the people who are no longer sitting beside us. We reflect on those moments, the memories we carry, and how love and connection remain part of our celebrations. - Preparing for The Holidays
As the holidays approach, it’s worth considering what we need emotionally and how our traditions may have changed. We share ways to approach the season while being mindful of our own needs. - It’s OK to Prepare for the Holidays in Your Own Way
There isn’t one right way to prepare for the holidays after losing a spouse. We share some of our own experiences and how we’ve learned to approach the season in ways that work for each of us. - It’s OK to Respond Your Own Way to Event Invitations
Holiday invitations can bring both excitement and uncertainty. We talk about making decisions about gatherings, communicating with family and friends, and giving ourselves permission to accept or decline invitations based on what feels right.
We hope you’ll find something in these posts that speaks to where you are in your journey today. Whether this is your first holiday season without your spouse or you’ve been navigating the holidays for many years, remember that your experiences and needs are uniquely yours.
