It’s Valentine’s Day. Candy, Hearts, Stuffed animals, Flowers, Mushy cards are everywhere.
You’re a widow. Your partner is no longer here. Can we just skip all this crap and move on?
Teresa–Augh. I remember that oh too well that feeling of God, can I just skip this “holiday”. The sick to my stomach feeling when shopping and seeing all of the candy hearts. I didn’t know if I wanted to throw up on them or eat them all. I did a combination of buying way too much chocolate and wine and binging. I also adopted the crass and snarky “Happy VD Ya’ll” while silently wishing to just have this stupid holiday over with. I was teaching so had to “show the kids love” when all I could think of who’s gonna show me some love? I have since learned to love others and myself on this day and all days.
Jeni–I just wanted to hide. Curl up in a ball and pretend the day did not exist at all. What good was this “Hallmark” holiday without him? Who was I going to have dinner with? My kids were excited about Valentine’s at school and wanted to celebrate. How was I going to keep their spirits up while mine were in ashes? They wanted to have their dad’s favorite meal for that holiday. So, I made the chicken parmigiana for dinner. The kids got me peach roses and a blue carnation in honor of their dad. I wanted to cry and fall in a heap. Somehow, I managed to put on a good face for the kids and tried to celebrate. I went to bed early with about a pound and a half of chocolate. Since that time, I have come to find better ways to handle this “holiday”.
So what’s a person to do on this day of love, hearts and candy? When cupid is piercing your soul.
This is much like any holiday – What is important and what is not? We talked about some tips and hints in our preparing for the holidays. We also have 3 Tips to Survive a holiday event.
Things to Consider and Prepare
- Acknowledge the feelings – they may be intense. Let them flow. Take time for the grief.
- How do you want to spend the day? Alone, working, surrounded by friends or family?
- Do you want to do something in honor or because of your lost loved one?
- Write them a letter or poem, save it, read it to them, burn it?
- Visit their grave site or talk to their urn? Leave a flower or note?
- Light a candle in honor. Sit with the loss.
- Journal your thoughts feelings and desires.
- Fix your favorite dinner or go to dinner at your old favorite place?
- Visit your favorite place that the two of you used to go.
- Get yourself the flowers that he used to get.
- Share your favorite memories with your family, friends or children.
- How you first met, most romantic date, previous Valentines.
- Take time for some self care: a long walk, a bubble bath, a massage, dinner with a friend, dinner alone, watch your favorite movie, read a book. Whatever makes you feel comfortable and relaxed.
- Do you know other widows? Maybe write or send them a valentine to let them know they are still thought about on this day.
- While chocolate and binging might be good the first year….after that you may want to consider healthier alternatives or at least…portion control.
- Call a friend and make plans with them for the day.
- Thank others and tell them you love them.
- Volunteer – show someone or other animals some love. Animal rescue/shelters are a great way to get free love from animals.
If you are feeling really low or overwhelmed – please get support from a professional – be that your spiritual leader, therapist, coach. Know that you don’t need to do this alone and asking for help and support is the first step to moving forward.
May you know you are loved and held in peace.
If you or someone you know find this useful or thought provoking, We’d love to hear from you. Click like, share, comment, or email us. Please share your thoughts with us.
Love & Blessings,
Jeni & Teresa
