The holidays can be a delicate balancing act for widows and widowers. Well-meaning family and friends often have said or unsaid requests and expectations. In addition, there is the expectation that you will participate in everything that you and your spouse would have normally done together during the holidays. This can be overwhelming at times when you are grieving.
Celebrating the holidays can be emotionally and physically exhausting as we process our grief. Navigating the demands of loved ones while honoring your personal needs can be challenging. It requires both intentionality and self-compassion.
You don’t have to give all of yourself away to create a meaningful holiday. Meeting your needs while addressing family requests is about setting boundaries, communicating openly, and finding ways to make the season work for everyone—including you.
As we discussed in our previous blog, you can celebrate in a way that feels comfortable for you. Take a moment and consider what you would like to do and what you would not like to do this season. Once you have done this, you will be better able to tell others what works for you this season.
If you need to, write down what you need and develop a plan that includes what works for you, including self-care and boundaries. This way, you can show up authentically and participate in what feels right for you.
Pausing to reflect on the following questions can help you plan and partake of the holidays in whatever way works for you.
- Will saying yes bring me joy, or will it drain my energy?
- Am I agreeing out of guilt or genuine desire?
- What do I want to do this year?
- Do I feel up to participating or celebrating?
Self-care by setting healthy boundaries
The holidays and events calendar often comes with a flood of invitations and obligations. The questions above will help you decide what makes sense for you. It’s more than OK to say no, say no to events, gatherings, or traditions that are just too much this year. Saying no and protecting your energy isn’t mean. It’s self-care.
When evaluating the events and traditions, it is also ok to adjust some of them to make them more doable for you. If you don’t want to say no but are not entirely comfortable, it is also ok to offer an alternative plan. For example, if you want to attend an event but are not sure of your emotions, it is ok to discuss your concerns with the host and create an exit plan if the emotions become too strong for you.
Here are a few tips to assist with holiday boundaries:
- Think of the expectations you’d like to set beforehand and share them with friends and family.
- Examine your needs and honestly share them with loved ones. It could sound like, “Thank you for the invite, this year I will be staying home.” or “I need a quieter celebration with less stress.
- Make backup plans for flexibility. Give yourself the option to leave early or skip events if emotions become overwhelming. You can share this with the host as well.
- Schedule time for peace and quiet – an hour, half a day, or whatever you need. Be sure to include time between commitments to recharge.
Next, make a plan for intentional self-care. Be mindful that grief can often rebound and intensify during the holidays. Self-care is a way for you to manage stress and grief. Here is an article with some practical tips for self-care during the holiday season.
Self-Care Ideas for the Holiday Season:
- Prioritize Rest: Take breaks and skip what feels draining. Be sure to check in with your body to determine what it needs for rest.
- Create a quiet sanctuary: a quiet, peaceful place to cry, have a quiet moment, meditate, pray, journal, or reflect. Somewhere to regroup.
- Balance connection with alone time. Seek connection with loved ones and supportive friends and groups. These can be places where others understand and provide solace.
Preparing for those emotional grief moments during this season:
The holidays are a time when our emotions and grief can return with intensity. We call it a widow wave as it surges when we might least expect it. The holidays can be particularly intense as we remember the past and special moments.
You can prepare by considering trigger moments. Maybe it’s that special song, ornament, food, or tradition. Keep tissues ready and let emotions flow. It is healthier to lean into them rather than to try to deny the process. Having a special item with you to keep you grounded can be of support. This can be a photo, jewelry, or note that is special for you. Talk to those around you and tell them how they can best help you get through the season. Having a plan may be of great help when you celebrate.
Our wish for you this holiday season is that you will take time for yourself and celebrate in a way that is comfortable and enjoyable.
May your holidays be what they need to be for you this year.
Peace & blessings to you.
Teresa & Jeni
PS: For additional support, you can download our free copy of 10 Ways to Move Forward After Loss
The First Days: Coping with Life After Loss is a resource for the first days after a loss – available on Amazon in paperback.
My Journey as a Widow: A Widow’s First Journal is a follow-up journal for processing complex emotions and moving forward with hope. It is available in paperback on Amazon.
Follow us on Social Media:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TornInHalfwidows/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/torn-in-half/
Resources for the holidays:
- https://torninhalf.com/merry-christmas-happy-holidays-happy-new-year/
- https://torninhalf.com/grief-struggles-the-holidays/
- https://torninhalf.com/taking-care-of-yourself-in-the-midst-of-ho-ho-ho-prepping-for-the-holidays/
- https://torninhalf.com/holiday-traditions-and-grief/
- https://torninhalf.com/holiday-stress-widowhood/
- https://torninhalf.com/those-darn-firstsfirst-birthday-first-anniversary-first-holiday-without-your-loved-one-2/
- https://torninhalf.com/3-tips-to-survive-a-holiday-event/
- https://torninhalf.com/its-ok-to-respond-your-own-way-to-event-invitations/
- https://torninhalf.com/its-ok-to-keep-old-traditions-its-ok-to-have-new-traditions/
